Words my adopted 73-year old swedish dad says
...and what it teaches us about life and being a human.
Adopted swedish dad? What is that?
Yeah, maybe a bit of an uncommon concept, but actually quite a cute one ;)
A couple of months ago my sister and I have been adopted by this 73-year old swedish gentleman, Gustav.
We met him at dancing events and connected & started to have chats with him. When we told him that we live here in Sweden, our parents live i nGermany & the rest of our family in Poland, he told us, that he could adopt us as his daughters.
We all laughed and we said sure, you will be our adopted swedish dad then :). He agreed.
Now, to me and my sister, this is not weird. We moved to Germany when I was 1.5 years old & my sister was incubating in our moms belly. Meaning: our blood-related family stayed in Poland.
So we grew up with many grandmas & grandpas who lived in the same Block house that we did.
We also had plenty of aunties and uncles, many of which also were immigrants and we all lived in the same area.
Apart from that, in Poland you call every grown-up that is close to you “aunt” or “uncle”, you never say “Mary” or “Peter”, but you can say “Aunt Mary” or “Uncle Peter”.
Aaaannyyyways! Gustav invited us to his place for lunch a couple of weeks ago & we had a blast!
I wanted to share with you the things he said and how he lives his life, because to me it confirms that it will be amazing when I am older. I always felt that! He lives it!
So here we go, things my 73-year-old, adopted swedish dad says:
“I want to go to therapy, because I want to be a better person.”
I mean, do I need to say more than this sentence? This just blew my mind when I heard him saying that.
So many people in our society fear to get older, think they can’t change, refuse to get help and go to therapy if necessary etc… and there I have this wise gentlemen sitting in front of me, while the live-band takes a break, saying that. Mindblowing!
For you this means: it IS possible to change, grow, develop, explore! No matter the age. As long as you WANT TO! This is also something he says & I couldn’t agree more!
“I still work, I love to be outside and be active & contribute”
With 73 years, he is still working in the garden of his senior citizen home here and there, for payment of course!
Because he loves to be active, contribute, move and provide value. Once again, many people live for retirement, dislike, or even hate their work. Live from weekend to weekend, vacation to vacation.
Not seeing that maybe they wont ever reach retirement. Or potentially not in a healthy state.
But what if you LOVE your work? Without overworking and still enjoying life! Why not to still work here & there, even with over 70 years old? Not because you have to, bt because you WANT to? Definitely possible!
For you this means: don’t let society or people tell you what to do, how to do it, when and where to do it. Choose your work consciously! Choose your life-activities consciously! Choose the people in your life consciously. And if you love to work, do that even when you are 70 or 80 or 90! Nothing wrong with that!
“I will start training a group of five people in the gym soon!”
I laughed when he said that, with admiration & surprise! Cos of course he will also do it for payment, he talked with the people at his senior citizen home about it.
He used to be a gymnastics teacher and they recently upgraded their gym with new machines. He is one of only 5 people who uses it. Every day! And ca. 170 people live in that complex.
I told him: “You are gonna be a personal trainer! This is brilliant!”
Imagine! with 73 years!
He humbly said: “Well, its gonna be about their health, what they want and need. You know, I know these things.”
For you this means: you can become a personal trainer with 73. Or a poet with 80. Or a painter with 85. Or start to study with 75. Yo ucan do whatever the heck you want to do in your life! Whenever you want to! Go fly & enjoy this lifetime as much as possible!
“Honesty & open communication: always! 100%”
I asked him how much he thinks honesty & open communication matter.
He said: “Always! 100%! Its crucial! You dont always have to share everything, but there needs to be the open space that you can do it if you want to and need to.”
He lives like that. He is very open, honest, vulnerable & a great listener. Asking personal questions with care and compassion is something he is great at and he is aware that people often need to share and be listened to.
For you this means: make sure that the closest people in your life give you the safety of sharing anything you want with them! Without blaming you or gaslighting you and with being fully, deeply present with you. This is gold.
“I get along better with women, men don’t dare to share and be vulnerable”
This made me think a lot, deeply, cos I also felt a bit of sadness. It is his life-experience in general, which doesn’t mean that this is the case for everyone.
But it seems that he has a point, cos I have a similar impression, and I read and hear something similar.
I think this touches upon many issues we have in the feminine-masculine realm, what a man is or isn’t, should or shouldn’t be. Same for women.
Then, there are differences between individuals, but there are also clear differences between men and women. We are not the same and it is amazing that way!
To me, hearing a 73 year old gentleman say that makes me feel a lot of care and warmth towards him. Cos I did feel that he would have wished for a male friend he could share things with.
For you this means: I don’t know what this means for you, to be honest. If you are a man and have similar wishes: maybe it means to try to find another male human being who you could connect to on a brotherly common ground. If you are a woman: maybe this means to encourage your man to share and be vulnerable. But be ready that this might look differently than when you share with your girlfriends… I dont know, this is a tricky one. What do you take out of this?
“She asked me: “Gustav, you are a deep person or?”, I answered yes, and saw her fear in her eyes”
I guess this connects to what I wrote before, about deep and vulnerable human-to-human connections.
Gustav needed to take the decision to stop interacting with this person. Because he values vulnerability & sharing openly.
Not everyone appreciates this. Not everyone likes it. Some people are afraid of it & scared, and he mentioned it several times, also that women are scared of it.
So it is a general human condition for some of us, to try to not get into too deep-shit talks, too emotional or vulnerable questions, because some of them might hurt.
And we are not always ready to feel pain and hurt, often we humans avoid it, cos it is discomfortable.
For you this means: Sometimes people will retrieve. Sometimes people are not ready to talk deep-shit things. Sometimes they don’t want to be vulnerable, face their fears. This is maybe sad, but this also means that it often does not have anything to do with you. Don’t take it personal, neither dont try to force someone else into something they are not ready to do. This is a tough lesson about how to set boundaries. I personally needed a while to learn it, it is worthy though.
“To go into the darkness is crucial to feel better afterwards!”
He shared how he needed to face many difficult and dark things in his life, his “shadow” and how doing that, helped him to feel better and move on in his life.
I found it very inspiring to listen to this, because he seems to still have the same approach to life, even now at 73.
He also admitted that he changed a lot in his life and it seems so that what he learned he still is applying today.
For you this means: Again: it is possible to change. And if you have this type of approach to life, with constant learning and exposing yourself to discomfort & moving on, you will most likely still do this in older ages. So know that even if you go through tough, dark times, it will be better, most likely much better after you pass them!
“It is all about relationships!”
Gustav moved here a year ago, while he already lived here in Umeå before. He does not have family here, many friends passed away or moved from here.
So he is actively conecting to people, reaching out, being active and the way he speaks, shows that relationships are crucial and important for him.
Always have. He says it is all about deep and close relationships, not having hundreds of friends, those are not friends, but having a handful of great and deep connections are essential for a good life.
For you this means: Make sure you have a set of people in your life you truly connect to, trust & love. If we look at research, it shows us that strong social connections are an indicator of a healthy life. And it is possible to connect to all kinds of people, from all kinds of realms of life and all ages, at all times! Dare to start a new Hobby, ask someone to go for coffee, reach out to this old friend of yours & reconnect! We all need genuine human-to-human connections!
“I am the youngest & most active, most of the people here are around 80, sit and gossip about the same negative topics, every day. I don’t want that.”
Sometimes you will be the only one in a certain setting of people who are very different from you.
Then it is your choice what to do: interact with them and potentially become like them, risking to loose yourself.
Or: do your thing anyways and not be a sheep and part of a crowd that you don’t align with.
It is not about condemning them, judging them or saying you are better or right. It is about your own personal way of life and how you want to spend you time here.
And if it is not in alignment with how the majority lives: thats okay!
For you this means: Do what you want to do. How you want to feel. What brings you joy. No matter the circumstances, no mater the people or situations you are in! Find little pockets of joy you can create and expand on them! Go and try out new things, dare to be adventurous and different. You dont need to conform and be anyone else, other than yourself!
“They would like younger people to live here, but the young folks don’t want to live with old and sick people.”
This might be a sad reality about old-peoples homes. Maybe also about society.
Because do we nood old-peoples-homes to be filled with older sick people only? Maybe not.
Maybe there could be places where healthy older humans live together, maybe even with younger generations, in a several-generation home!
I have heard such initiatives in different countries in the world, and I find them brilliant! Older ladies and gentlemen can support younger generations and have company & help as well. It is a win-win-win in a way!
Well, if you really think about it ,this is how families used to live, but the world is maybe a bit different now ,with families living apart in different countries etc…
For this reason I find it crucial to connect to people from all kinds of ages! To build a community of caring individuals who help each other out when needed!
For you this means: Once again, I don’t know what that means to you. Maybe you could allow your parent to come visit for a while and let them help out with their grandchild. Or maybe you can take 2 hours of your week to go play cards in an older-peoples home, or volunteer for groceries. Or maybe you could babysit the kids of your friends, so they could go out on a date-night! Oh, and maybe you can just decide to not become an old & sick person, but stay as healthy as possible! Up to you!
“I am only responsible for myself, I cannot be responsible for them. I am the black sheep of my family.”
Sharing about tricky family situations was something we spoke about a lot. Being different than others is tricky sometimes.
And this statement resonated deeply with me, because I usually would feel responsible for all kinds of people in my life.
Especially the ones I loved & who were close to me. I needed to learn that this is not needed, it is not on me and letting go of that was a tough cookie to swallow.
Hearing that a 73 year old still deals with this is comforting, also a bit sad. But it seems like this quite often something we deal with as human beings.
From my perspective I can tell you that it is a huge relief, not feeling responsible for other grown-ups peoples life. A big burden fell off my shoulder when I realized that.
For you this means: Maybe you take responsibilities on yourself, that are not yours to carry. Maybe you could actively decide to stop doing this, bit by bit, and feeling the relief. And maybe you will get back some of the energy for yourself, that you have spend on others. Dare to free yourself from things that are not yours to hold! It will be worth it!
“I feel more like 40, and 50 and 60.”
This was so fun to hear. Age numbers don’t really seem to matter for him, Gustav feels much younger in age than what he is.
And I love hearing and seeing this. Cos he is sharp, intelligent, funny, conscious, aware, deep, rational, empathetic, flexible, physically & mentally & emotionally fit & just freaking enjoys his life!
There is not much more to say to that :D
For you this means: It doesnt matter how old you are! Do you enjoy your life? Great!! Keep on going! You dont enjoy your life? Then change something about it. It doesn’t matter how old you are, the number of years you have lived dont always need to correlate to how you feel, what you want to do, how you want to dress or where you want to go or live. Do whatever you want to do! Dont look at your age, count your life in adventures and amazing moments & the more you have, the more rich you will be!
And when you are 73 years old, maybe you could adopt two young human beings and share with them all your stories of your life!!
This is it for today! I loved writing about Gustav and his wise words and I hope they helped you too!
Love,
Daria