The pain of friendship breakups

Lessons-learned from friendships fading away

Typically, when hearing the word “breakup” most people associate it with romantic relationships, which we all might have experienced in our lives.

However, there are other types of breakups as well, and today I would like to talk about friendship breakups because I feel that they are of huge importance as they can be immensely hurtful and also a big potential to grow from.

I have had several of such friendship breakups in the last 5 years. Two were more than seven years long and others between four intense & close years, or one - two years. No matter the length of the friendships, what they had in common was, that at one point in it, there was a closeness, trust & intimacy that suddenly disappeared and the breakup was inevitable. Sometimes it was slowly creeping in, other times it was in a big BANG!

It was usually unpleasant, hurtful, sometimes anger was present, disbelieve, sometimes a slow and hidden death of the friendship and sometimes it was just very clear that it will end, without much emotional turmoil.

Throughout our human experience, we will have many different friendships so I feel like sharing what is important for me in friendships. It differs depending on the type of friendship, there are e.g. more hobby- or activity-oriented friendships, like with my dancing-friends, or hiking-friends and then there are friends that I feel very close to on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

With those friends of mine I share all kinds of things in life, sometimes hobbies, sometimes not, and in some cases we do not have to be closely physically present. As long as we interact regularly all is well. And even about that: I have friends that we don’t speak regularly, but when we meet it feels like back in the days, cos we evolved similarly.

One of my current closest friendships is with a friend I know from highschool and we joke about our relationship sometimes, because our main way to communicate is via voice mails. Almost daily, sometimes every other day, it can be 10 minutes, which is rather rare, up to one hour of recordings that we send back & forth to each other & answer upon. We take notes so we dont forget what the other said. It is a brilliant setup for us!

Generally speaking, I love to connect on a deep and trusting level with my friends, to be able to talk about all kinds of topics, also mention hardships, struggles and general personal challenges that we go through.

I also think it is important to mention when we feel hurt by our friends, be it something they said or how they reacted or an action that felt off. Openness, honesty & trust are something that I value a lot, as well as great listening skills and giving space. And I also wish my friends to be able to be as open towards me whenever I cross a certain line with them.

Relationships between humans are complex and what I will share about my friendship breakups is just the side I experienced, how I felt, what I perceived and potential reasons for it. It is in no way blaming any other person, neither me. It is a description of the dynamics that happened & that I went through from my side. I am aware that I did my part in contributing to the breakup as well & I learned big lessons from each breakup that I will share too!