The feeling of "I am right"
I hate it... and I enjoy to feel it too...
It is very difficult for me to admit, and in my past I would have never admitted it… so I take it as a growth spurt when I say this:
I love it when I am right.
And I hate it at the same time.
Because I know that it’s not correct. It is wrong.
Well, let’s say the 10 commandments of the bible have a point: you shall not kill, steal etc. It’s good to stick to those basics to be able to live a decent life, in a decent society. If harmlessness is one of the vitues we live by, all will be well.
But other than that, there is no “right” or “wrong”.
It’s not wrong that I first went into science & now am slowly turning to art. It is pointless to say “I should have done it earlier.” Cos trust me, it was impossible.
It’s not wrong to live in another country than my parents & the majority of my family. Neither is it right.
It’s not wrong to have a house, or not have a house.
It’s not wrong to eat meat, and only right to eat plants.
There is nothing wrong in working for someone else, or working for yourself; money is neither good nor bad; nor is any relationship status better than the other.
So then: why the heck am I even writing about this? If none is true… well, here we go again, what even is true or false :D
Aannyyways, I write about it, because even though I know these things and believe these things, I don’t always manage to act upon those beliefs.
Cos I can sometimes have very strong opinions about what is right and what is wrong, then I over-identify with them and then I can become judgmental about others, who do not do/think/are the same way.
And it sucks! Because I know that it is wrong to do that!
Like a recent example, where I had to really control my thoughts was, when I saw friends mindlessly sinking in front of the TV, letting themselves be floated over with some bullpoop movie, while partially also scrolling on the phones.
I have a very hard time to not judge this behaviour. Not so much the people, but the action… and then it IS difficult to not let it float over to the people.
I know why this is such an issue for me as well. I grew up with a parent doing that, constantly. For me this is a type of imprinted “bad-behaviour”, where disconnection, disinterest & just simply numbing-down is happening.
So I can’t handle it. I don’t want to. I don’t do it myself either. Because I don’t want to & because I feel its a waste of time. But it is not like that for everyone…
What did I do instead? I painted for myself. For me that is much more fulfilling.
But here is the thing: maybe someone else considers painting a waste of time! (And trust me when I say that: for the majority of my life I considered painting for myself as a waste of time too! Still fighting with this limiting belief today…)
So in a nutshell: there is nothing “wrong” with watching TV, neither not watching TV... same with painting: nothing wrong in doing that, or not doing it.
Another aspect of these wonderings is, that I can get triggered by something, or someone, especially when I am in a vulnerable place…
Then when I get triggered, I get upset at the person, at their words, something got poked inside of me & then I turn into that side of me that I don’t particularly like, where I judge and basically show very similar behaviors of what I get triggered by.
I have learned by now to not emotionally explode & say things I might regret, so I usually clearly say that I need a break, cant talk anymore & then I go into processing mode.
In my past I might have reacted very strongly, quite openly & I know it has cost me some friendships. At the same time, I also have friendships that lasted throughout this more explosive phase I went through.
…but again: do you see how sneakily a judgement is trying to make its way in here? Like saying that some friendships were weaker than others, or not true friendships… which is not true, cos I value every friendship I had, consider them as important parts of my life. None was bad or wrong, ever. We do have people entering our lives for just a short while, others for longer. Just like I am part of other peoples life for long, or shorter…
Anyways, I deviated :D.
When I get out of a situation that triggered me, agitated me or poked me in any way, I usually start reflecting upon it. From all kinds of perspectives, mostly trying to see what this was supposed to show me, why I reacted that way… little evil thoughts might try to come up then too, & I gently push them aside.
Instead, I try to listen to my intuition & my feelings, cos they will tell me that something was off. I might also get to a point where I am stuck, don’t know anymore how to go about it… I usually call my teacher Elizabeth then & describe her the situation.
And I am a lucky one, having her showing me exactly what she sees, in my behaviour & putting up a mirror where my true issues could lie. We don’t usually call them “issues”, just these reactions that I described & their root cause.
I am also convinced that whatever I get triggered by, or poked at, that causes a strong reaction, is a reflection of something inside of myself that needs attendence…
And with this whole topic I finally came to the realization, that it is something around being judegmental towards myself. Not allowing myself to do or be certain ways and then it turns into me judgeing certain behaviours as “wrong” or “right”.
Now the question is: what am I going to do about this?
I just booked a Hakomi healing session about this topic with my teacher Elizabeth. Because I know its pointless to think myself to a solution, or talk myself into one, or even write myself into a solution.
It won’t get to the root cause. Cos the root cause is something subconscious, something that sits in my physical body, in my inner child, or whatever you might want to call that.
And this is the exploration I will go on to finally resolve this wrong-right-judging-thingy.
Oh, and, just to make it even more complex, because why not, after all, living a human life is the pinnacle of complexity: sometimes I just “know” things… you know, premonitions & stuffs, perceptions, intuitive hints… about myself and others.
And THAT makes things even more complex. Because there it is not about what is right or wrong and I dont judge those, but it is about acknowledging that my intuition is getting sharper and is picking up on very subtle things in my life and surrounding.
How I decided to go about it is: to take it as a guiding light when it is about me. Whenever it is about other people, I keep it for myself, as a datapoint collection and compass of the sharpening process of my intuition.
Now, that is it for today, for real… a bit of a convoluted & complex assay. Bu tas I said before: being human is not always so straight-forward.
What have your experiences around this been like?
Love,
Daria
