Saying no to protect my personal space
An exploration around bodily autonomy
Today’s post comes a day delayed.
Why?
Because I planned to finish my initial idea yesterday, but then I went for dancing & encountered a situation that made me fall into deep processing…
So today I decided I’d rather write about that, as a part of my digestion basically :D
I also like the fact that I draw inspiration from my daily life, something that I personally value when others do it.
If you are interested how dancing can help setting boundaries, and how big of a deal that is, feel free to continue reading :).
So here we go:
I started dancing Bugg & modern Fox last summer & started going to dance socials.
If you have never went to an event like that: it’s basically a bunch of people who gather cos they love to dance.
Certain dance clubs exist & they organize such socials. Usually someone is responsible for making a song list, others for having Fika, aka. cake & coffee & then we just go there for 2-3 hours and dance & socialize.
Since I am dancing since many years, I got to know people in the dance community & we switch learning different dances regularly, a type of dance-friendship builds with time.
Of course there are always favorites to dance with, that each one of us has. I have elaborated in a past post of mine about the chemistry between people when it comes to dancing.
With some it just works, with others it doesnt.
There are also certain “rules” to stick to. In West Coast Swing, another dance I am dancing, one dance equals one song.
In Bugg & Fox, one dance equals two songs. Also only here in the North, cos in the South its 1 dance=4 songs… you better make sure to get a great dance partner :D.
And there are also rather subconscious, unspoken rules… of course you can say “No thank you” when someone asks you to dance, but it is somehow not that common and many people feel discomfort doing that.
Including me.
And I know that this could be due to conditioning, wanting to be polite, not hurt anyone etc etc.
You also should actually say when something is uncomfortable, because you can seriously get damaged during dancing.
Another one of those factors, that many people do not dare to speak up. Including myself. Again.
The first time I danced with someone where it physically hurt me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know what to do… I will never repeat that experience anymore. I can tell you that.
So I know exactly who that person is, and I avoid dancing with them.
In any way: it doesn’t have to be that extreme. Sometimes its the scent, sometimes an uncomfortable feeling, a weird look… you can have many reasons.
However: saying No is the last resort… where it actually should be the first thing to do.
So what I usually do is, I avoid the people. I have pretty good peripheral vision & the dance rooms we are in, are not super large. It’s possible to sneak away, get my water bottle, or leave the room for a rest, or snatch someone I like to dance with.
I can tell you though: it is exhausting to pay attention & find avoiding strategies & constantly be aware.
Yesterday, I finally couldn’t avoid it anymore.
I just finished a dance & stepped aside, immediately felt being focussed on & for about to be approached & that person was so close, that my usual avoidance tactic didn’t work. I basically got trapped.
I saw the gesture, heard the “Do you want to dance” and then surprisingly I reacted by grabbing my water bottle & saying “No, I need to rest now.”
And swooosshhh: a crazy feeling inside my body, while I also realized that while saying that, I repelled another person who had focussed on me close by, who I also usually avoid, and someone else close by.
It felt basically like a magic spell, repelling everyone who I did not want to share my personal space with.
It was a big thing for me. Physically & emotionally.
I left the room & stood at the water filling station, processing…
Feeling my feelings, observing my thoughts, looking around, processing my physical sensations…
The best description I could come up with is: it felt raw. Very vulnerable, while very needed.
Of course I don’t want to hurt anyone, I dont want to offend people, neither do I want to hurt them on a soul level, where I know we all want to connect…
At the same time, I have spend a big time of my life restricting myself in what I want to say or do, I was super shy when I was little & always felt regret when I suppressed myself.
I also know & strongly feel that we all have the right to decide who comes close to us, who touches us & who we touch. And in dancing there is inevitable physical touching involved, its couples dances after all.
So these two worlds collided inside of me. Opening this very raw space, trying to hold them al lat once, not overreacting or collapsing, just feeling it all.
It took me a while until I went dancing again, asked a nice person who I never danced with before but felt a good feeling & then went on.
I then decided to share this situation with my meditation teacher, just to let it out of my system.
And all that took a while, I subconsciously kept on processing it. I knew I acted right, just the fact that I finally did that, with so many “things” and “arguments” and “conditionings” speaking against it, took some energy from me.
Thats why I couldn’t finish the actual newsletter topic for yesterday ;). And thats why I decided to write about that instead.
Because you know, this has much deeper roots, and very important points to consider. Cos every human being has the right to autonomously decide over their body, mind, emotions and also energetic sphere. Cos we often share many of these spaces with others:
If we stop allowing that, this is an easy entry point for abuse, loosing ourselves and letting others decide over our lifes. And if you know me a bit, I am a big fan of self-responsibility & the right to decide what to do, not to do, how to do or how not to do in our own lifes.
Even if that means, living very different lifes. Free will you know.
But that free will seems to need to be practiced sometimes :D Cos its not always easy to act upon it. Especially in social settings and when deep conditionings are set inside of us.
Anyways, this is it for now :)
Let me know if you want to know more about that, or I would love to hear your own experiences!
Love,
Daria
