“Asking questions” is a topic that I realized has been a central part of my life.
To me, it is a very basic and strong part of my human-ness and also other people’s human-nesses.
It is ingrained inside of me that:
‘asking a question’ = ‘interest’
and therefore:
‘not asking questions’ = ‘no interest’.
I am usually not a black-&-white thinker and good at seeing different perspectives, so it surprises me that this has not really changed throughout my life.
I have encountered all kinds of asking-dynamics, from people asking a lot, all the time, to people not asking any direct questions, from superficial questions to deep-shit questions, empty questions that were just asked out of politeness or questions that had their own agenda.
Depending on the relationship & connection to the person, I am fine with every type of question, even superficial ones.
Cos sometimes I just don’t feel like having a deep conversation. And sometimes, when I don’t feel like talking much myself, it is great to ask a question & let the other speak and just listen to their words and stories.
I realized that for me “asking a question” is a sign of a curious mind, someone who is interested to learn, find out something and get to know someone else.
And of course there are different ways to ask questions. A simple “How are you?” with a stranger might lead to a “Fine & you?”; while asked to a close friend, it might reveal a recent struggle that floods out of them.
But at its essence, asking questions is about exploring the world and people.
Fictitious travel back into human history
Let’s get back a couple of thousand years ago. When we lived in caves, depending on the light of the sun, the moon & the stars.
Imagine the following fictitious scenario: a lightning suddenly hit a tree & caused it to burn & the fire was shining light in the middle of the night. The humans might have wondered: “Why is that? How can we replicate that?” and based from that (or any other scenario where fire appeared) they might have started to play around and replicate and understand this light-causing thingy.
Asking questions and finding or getting answers is the basis of science as well. It’s the basis for learning, observing, developing, connecting to other people and building relationships.
It’s through asking and sharing stories that people relate to each other.
Each one of us is such a special soul… Yes, I believe we are all special, and no, this does not mean that no one is special, what a bullshit argument…
I mean: you have not lived the way you live right now before. No one has had the same experiences than you. Memories and actions that shaped you. all this makes you special and worthy.
YOU are an endless, amazing & interesting being, worthy to be asked all kinds of questions to get to know you deeply! Everything about you!
All the questions in the world will still give the other person asking you only a tiny glimpse of who you are, but they will get closer to you. Sooner or later. If you allow it, and if they are willing to ask questions and listen deeply.
Consequences of not asking questions
I have been in relationships or friendships where I was not asked much. Either with time this faded, or people got lazy with “we have all our life” or simply did not have the same communication & connection needs than I had.
This caused a distance, it also caused frustration, the degradation of our relationships and I also allowed myself to become an emotional trashcan for others.
From this I learned that there needs to be a balance. It is crucial. Plus, a similar communication & curiosity-style is essential too.
I realized by now, that asking questions is a must-have skill for me. At least to be able to develop a deeper friendship. If it is more superficial, its okay if its missing, but it still might stagnate or devolve with time. Simply because there is a lack of creating a connection and that is a consequence that needs to be calculated into the equation.
For a romantic relationship, this can not be absent, I decided I will never enter into a romantic partnership again if we are not aligned on this level.
How to ask questions?
There are tons of different ways to ask questions without it being invasive or feeling like being in a police interrogation.
You can ask very specific questions, very detail-oriented, knowledge-based.
You can ask broad questions about activities and memories. opening up all theee possible answers.
You can ask a simple “How did that make you feel?” and the person might open up & you might connect on a much deeper level than before.
To me, the most important purpose of a question asked to someone else is, to get to know them and build a connection with them. Sometimes it can also be a knowledge question of course, or an opinion. Either way: you will find out something about the other person.
Because honestly: what is the alternative? Not to ask? I doubt that.
Cos this will quickly turn into either a monologue from one person talking the whole time & the other listening.
Or: two people talking towards each other, throwing facts & stories & their own thoughts, without even connecting to what the other person said. Like two parallel-monologues floating around, completely disconnected & not intertwined.
What we need to remember is, that an interaction with people is a back & forth, an asking and telling, and a deep listening. Not just physically hearing.
Cos if you just hear something from someone else & wait for a moment of similarity to say: “Oh, this reminds me of my story bla bla bla…”
I hate to tell you but: you are not really listening, you are waiting to reply & share your own stuffs, no matter of what the other person said. Without reflecting back to them or asking about details.
And this is not a healthy or a fulfilling way to interact with another soul. It will with time also disconnect you. The relationship will become more superficial.
I guess I am not too far off when I say that what many of us crave is deep, fulfilling & close relationships.
You know when all this becomes more difficult? When you have relationships in your life where asking questions is a given, and then you encounter someone new where its lacking.
I feel honored & spoiled that I have several close people in my circle that love to ask questions, answer mine, philosophize and our relationships have not faded with time, on the contrary, they became more and more close.
So when I then meet someone where this is not aligned, I immediately feel that something is off. Because I am also not someone that will start throwing stories and anecdotes at a new person, just for the sake of talking & sharing.
There needs to be a mutual interest in getting to know each other and that interest is shown through asking.
Do people that don’t ask, do not care?
Now, does it mean that if someone doesn’t ask, they don’t care? No, not at all actually :D. They just have their own ways of showing interest.
This makes it even more difficult too, but we are all different & some people express interest in a different way.
It is still very tricky to wrap my head around that some people dont ask, but I am learning to accept this and draw conclusions for myself from it.
Sometimes this means I withdraw, other times I will accept a more superficial interaction, other times I will allow it to fade away more easy than in my past.
We don’t all have to be the same, we can’t, its impossible. But we also have the right to decide what type of relationships we are willing to accept and which ones are better to let go of in our lives.
What I am trying to do is to learn to accept these differences and decide for myself what is important for me and not try to change the other person.
Because I also know that we all want to be heard, we want to be deeply listened to, acknowledged and we also don’t want to hurt others. So listening is as important as asking questions. And I do love to listen as well.
And anyways, what do I know? Maybe the person I just met grew up constantly hearing: “Don’t ask me that.” “This is a stupid question.” “Why are you bothered with this?” and then of course their basic interest in others, their curiosity got killed and asking questions has been connected with some kind of traumatic response.
In the end, the only thing I can do, and really anyone of you is, to lead by example. Do what we feel is the best, what connects us to others and live our life the way we want to be met and treated.
And never forget: every person we meet, every situation we encounter is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and grow from it!
As usual, I would love to hear your thoughts about this :)
Love,
Daria