My fear of organizing gatherings with people, or: the fear of being a failure
Time travel from Little-Daria to Now-Daria
I used to be petrified to organize a party or any type of get-together as a teenager & it stayed with me for a while… The thought to invite people and some couldn’t come, or the party being a boring disaster was too much for me. I’d have taken it very personal, as if I was the failure and did not manage to bring people together & throw a nice party.
I am sharing this with you, because all this is gone by now! I recently organized a painting get-together and only one friend showed up. And I did not mind at all. My self-worth was not harmed, I felt okay & no traumatic response got triggered. It was the first time I realized how big of a developmental step that was for me. Huge!
So I thought to tell you bit about what happened from avoiding organizing things, to being fine when they don’t turn out as planned:
I grew up with my mom being the perfect host for dinners, parties & organizing anything with people. It was always a success & I never imagined myself being able to do that myself. I decided to not have a 18th birthday party because of that too… it was convenient that it fell on Good Friday during Easter Holidays ;-). We went out with friends to dance & everything closed down at midnight. That was that.
This pattern followed me for a long time though, somehow I felt bad about it...
During studies I got exposed to many parties & gatherings, always at other people’s places and they usually turned out awesome. I learned & experienced that not so much is needed to have a successful get-together.
When I turned 24, my mom turned 48 and we decided to celebrate it together, I lived at home with my parents back then. It also coincided with me leaving to the US for half a year and then afterwards to Sweden for my PhD. We made it into a double-bday party & goodbye-party for everyone we knew!
I invited all my friends & colleagues, my mom invited her friends & colleagues, our neighbors as well. We both knew each other’s closest people cos this is the way I grew up, my mom knowing my friends & their families & me knowing hers as well.
We had a pre-party & food starting in the afternoon & then all went to go dancing in a club! Yes, we went dancing with my mom! Of course, my sister was there too, for us this was not something weird at all.
Having organized this party myself was okay, as I did it together with my mom, so there was a type of safety & by then I was a bit more at ease with the situation.
My time in the US was filled with celebrations! All kinds of celebrations! Tailgating, house parties, moving parties, Halloween, birthdays, holiday celebrations, random parties… it was a crazy time. & I truly have to say that I learned from the best on what is needed for a successful get-together.
While my mom showed me the grown-up, organized, perfected way of throwing a Party, my friends in the US showed me the bulletproof easy-going, fun & relaxing way to throw a Party. Both ways worked every time, and I realized that the only common denominator was amazing people & their love, care & friendship for each other. That’s it.
No party or host ever failed, even if things broke, fights occurred, people couldn’t come, food was too much or whatever other issue might have happened: the host usually never was the one to be blamed. There were also people who were naturally good hosts.
So when I then left my family, friends, the country I grew up in & moved to Sweden, I was all by myself. It was a HUGE step for my own personal development. I truly needed it to unfold who I am, what I want to do, why, how etc.
And guess what?
It turned out that my apartment was the pre-party place, the party-place and the after-party place. It turned out that I was always in the organizing teams of activities, trips or celebrations at work and within my friend’s circle.
It also turned out that I was selected into positions where people trusted me to help & organize things.
I even started my own initiatives, e.g. to introduce my colleagues to Cologne Karneval; so one day in my first year as a PhD student I turned up dressed in a lemon costume & shared candies with everyone. No shame whatsoever :-D
It seemed so, that observing, learning and participating in all these activities before made me realize, that it is not such a big risk to try to bring people together. The pressure and stress I put on myself and how I made my worthiness-level depend on it was gone. Peeople usually like to tag along and when someone gathers a bunch of people, they are happy to join.
Then I started my own company after my PhD and it has been a lot of learning, trying, failing and re-trying. Every idea I had, tried and it turned out not the way I imagined it, helped me to gain even more confidence and be even less doubtful about myself. It might sound counter-intuitive, but it all taught me something: it made me more resilient and made me grow into who I am now.
When I decided to offer my “Mind-less-ness-painting” for scientists the first time, I was freaking nervous, had no idea what to expect, didn’t want to expect anything. It was obviously not a party, but it was an event I never did, it was coupled to painting that I just started to do for myself, and I always disliked to paint while others were around. I had almost 20 sign-ups & several people telling me that they would love to join but can’t do it on the selected date. I had even some that said they will join next time.
On the day itself, we were 14 people, some had to cancel due to sickness, kids, or for some other reasons & I was super happy the way it all turned out! Everyone loved it & I got great feedback.
I was a bit exhausted afterwards, I guess because I was nervous. I also learned that my alone-painting process is not the same than my with-people-painting-process.
So for the second time, I had no idea what will happen. I got 4-5 sign-ups, some people said they couldn’t join because of the date/work etc, some cancelled last minute and in the end, it was just me and my friend Paul . Two souls sitting together, painting and talking.
I still loved it & I highly appreciated Paul for joining and also staying with me. I shared with him all that I wrote here as well & that I was so happy to notice this growth-spurt of mine. In the past, I would have been devastated, not now.
The fact that I had fewer sign-ups and show-ups does not mean the idea is stupid, it does not mean that I am incapable and not lovable or hang-out-able, it doesn’t mean people are mean or dismissive. None of that. It just means… well, I actually dont know what it means…
Honestly, it might just not mean anything, or not much… Or maybe I dont see its true deep meaning… or maybe it was just meant to happen to make me realize how much I developed from the scared & insecure little Daria, to the Daria I am now. That’s it I think, I will take that as the main meaning :-)
This is it for today, would love to know how you feel about one of your recent developments? Have you noticed something within you? A special growth-spurt in your life?
Love,
Daria