Justifying my art choices

...self-development never ends...

One of my paintingsI did on the trip. I tried to capture the colors of blue, white, purple & pink that the winter landscape was around me… well, as you see, many more colors got added, I cant help myself sometimes :D

Today I came back from a longer weekend trip with friends and my sister, doing a little winter-adventure.

I decided that I will be the one to pick people up if poop hits the fan on the winter hike, so I was basically on-call :D

Thats why I also brought some work and my painting equipment.

Since two weeks I somehow, magically managed to get into a daily painting habit. My suspicion is that it started with a challenge my sister, a friend & I initiated.

I wanted to be more present while I cook and eat & do not distract myself from it with noises or series.

Somehow this had a snowball effect with other mini-challenges I added & along the way, this painting habit popped up.

Being five days with people, going on adventures & socializing is a lot for me, because I really value my alone time & it is tricky to get in such a setting. I still did my best & managed to paint every day.

And here comes one realization that hit me, around my art & people: I still feel like I need to justify my artistic choices…

I was sitting at the kitchen table, all my painting supplies were spread out & a new friend who stopped the hike & I picked him up, joined me in the living room area.

We had a chat & he came over to me, looked at my sketchbook & paints & asked me something about painting.

I feel that I am often drawn to greens, nature & organic shapes & here. I tried to add some more browns, which I usually don’t use that often.

It was absolutely nothing bad, nothing inquisitive, neither very outrageously excited, just simple, pure interest.

I felt a weird feeling creeping in, cos I was just starting a painting & it was in this ugly beginning stage, where nothing is anything yet…

Then I heard myself explaining that I like to paint abstract art, just patterns, shapes, colors & scribbles, because it calms me down. It relaxes my brain & compared to all these accurate scientific illustrations I do for clients, its a very relaxing procedure.

I really love it a lot.

While I was speaking, I was observing myself, seeing & realizing that I seem to need to justify & explain why I paint what/how I paint… and it felt ridiculous somehow, yet I couldn’t stop myself.

Because the thing is, I KNOW I don’t need any justification, any explanation, reason or such. I know that I usually love what I create and I don’t care much if others like it or not.

It has not always been that way. I always had the feeling my love for abstract art is somehow “less”, compared to representational art. Why? I could throw out lots of theories, its a combination of many reasons. It doesnt’ matter here though.

This new person that joined our group, was even a complete stranger, it was the first time I met him. And yet there I was, justifying my art…

I also love circles! Perfect ones, squiggly ones, dots… so those were the ones I started with as a basis.

It made me realize that maybe there is still something inside of me that doesn’t fully accept this part of me.

A part that thinks “this art” is better than “that art”, especially when I look at myself. If I wanted to, I could paint a realistic tree, a naturalistic animal, a beautiful landscape or a still life, I do have the technical skills for that, maybe they are a bit rusty, but it would work.

The thing is: I dont want to. Not in the slightest. I don’t care about drawing, painting or illustrating anything realistic for myself (for my clients its a different story, that is fun somehow).

But me? I want to throw out all there is inside of me, on a piece of paper or canvas, full of color, shapes, patterns & feelings.

In a way I thought that I overcame this, seems like this is not yet fully the case yet & in a way, I am happy about this realization. Cos it means I have room to grow & develop & then continue seeing where it takes me.

Cos you know, I would love to paint all day, every day.

Be creative, spill out my inner world & create beauty into the world. I have the strong feeling we need that, especially these days.

I often am drawn to smooshy, blended colors, soft edges & such. So I tried to be a bit more bold here, with clear shapes & rather larger contrasts between the colors & the white watercolor paper.

I used to think art is a pointless endeavor, impossible to make a living from it & not a “real” job.

I don’t think like that anymore, at all. There are too many examples of people who manage to do it as a real profession, maybe a passion & if I look at myself, I also managed to make a living from art, cos I do scientific illustrations for others, which are art too.

So you know, this development I went through until today is quite an inetresting adventure & realizing that there are still parts of me, not fully embracing it, maybe even fearing judgement from others, is great.

If I know that, I can actively resolve this issue & move on, the first step is always to realize & then take action steps to face those fears or overcome those limiting mindsets.

Somehow, this whole self-development thing is never ending… or maybe its not so much “self-development”, but rather growing and becoming more who we really are, fully & no matter what, even if some people do not understand our life choices

They dont have to. I dont need to understand anyones life choices either. Most of us are here to do the best we can & maybe sometimes we need to also acknowledge how far we have come, even if we still have some stuffs to unravel :)

I hope you all had an amazing weekend & I wish you a great week ahead!

Love,
Daria

P.S.: in case any of you is interested in what art supplies I used: sennelier gouache paints & lots of random markers, colored pencils, watercolor pencils, graphite & black ink. Oh & of course glitter & shimmer pens too! I love to have shiny parts in my paintings!