I'm an artist... or maybe not?

The real confusions of a human mind and heart

Today will be what I call a “weird” newsletter.

Or let’s better say, a “stream-of-consciousness-writing” type of newsletter.

Or a super human, vulnerable, messy & confusing newsletter; where I just share my current thoughts and feelings…

Cos sometimes, we get stuck, don’t know how to do, what to do, feel resistance and doubts, maybe fears and then we just freeze.

Somehow I have the feeling I am in such a spot right now.

And I am trying to get out of it… think myself out of it, analyze myself out of it, feel myself out of it, rationalize myself out of it, write myself out of it.

…none of which works. Cos in the end, I am not actively “doing” myself out of it, cos I feel inhibited.

Sooo, what is all this about? Its about art. Being an artist or not.

Am I an artist? I guess so.

Even when I don’t paint? I guess so.

Even when I love to paint but don’t do it? Yes, even then.

These are just some of the questions that float around my mind and body.

Since a couple of weeks, I have this huge urge to paint again. Restart painting. And yet, I don’t do it.

I feel that it’s like a fight inside of me. On many levels.

Because I block myself from doing it.

First, because my extra room, which is a guest room and my painting room, is cluttered & became my laundry/storage room.

So I keep it closed off, so I don’t see the mess.

Second, because I feel that I need to do it for a purpose, I cant just paint for fun, I need to share it with people, if only on social media.

Third, because I also think I need to sell it. I want to sell my art, because if I dont, I feel that I just create without purpose.

(I don’t seem to feel that creating for the sake of creating is purpose enough. Even though it makes me feel good & I love what I create.)

Forth, because I dont want to do art for other people, I know that sounds counterintuitive to what I said before; what I mean is, I don’t want to paint what others tell me to paint. I want to paint what is inside of me.

Fifth, maybe I am afraid to do it & share it, cos it is very vulnerable to do it. What if no one likes it? Even though I like it. Does it make it less worthy? I guess no. Because again: I like it & the process of it.

Sixth, because I have soooo many ideas, so many things I want to try and do, I dont even know where to start…

Seventh, I feel that I first need to make space and I really don’t like to do that, even though I love when things are decluttered.

These are all very rational & logical excuses and reasons. All of which I could just step away from & do, fix & move on!

But then add to that all the subconscious fears and maybe ancestral wounds…

My dad was/is an artist. I grew up with this plagued-artist image. I never wanted to be an artist cos I thought this is what it means to be one: to be like my dad. I never wanted that…

Then, I know my artistry is connected to my hands, my ability to paint, craft & create with my hands.

I also have a disability in my hands, which I don’t really care about, but my ancestors did, the line of my father did and still does.

I “know” that because I experienced this living with someone being bothered by it AND because of my scientific knowledge about epigenetics & patterns that get inherited.

Plus my spiritual explorations around it all, call it talents, gifts, tikkun, purpose etc.

In short: there is something even subconscious that is just like a big block, inhibiting me. Or maybe I use it as an excuse? Cos I am afraid? Of what though…

And then, in the end I wonder: Does any of this matter?!

These are all stories I tell myself, stories that I know of, stories that might even be right.

But: so what?!

I can decide to rewrite my story, at any time I want. And with that, forge my own path, heal the ancestral wounds in my family line and move on and fulfill the purpose I feel I have.

Why am I not doing it then? I don’t know, I can’t tell you! I thought that maybe writing about it & sending it off into the world wide web will help me. You know, the process of having it written out, gets it out of my system…

You know, I also LOVE to teach and share artistic knowledge! Not just do it myself.

I taught a drawing course once and I loved it, got very great feedback. I also gave a workshop to PhD students to teach them how to go about basic visuals.

I will teach another bunch of PhD students how to digitally draw plants next year as well and I am so much looking forward to it!

AND, I have a slow-teaching idea in mind, where I would love to share zines with people, in form of a mini-drawing course, directly delivered to their mailboxes, via snail mail!

I have SOOOO many ideas! I am bursting with them! I also want to finish painting my second dancing shoe, most likely with a painting of kandinsky.

I am basically exploding with creative ideas and projects, often some that I stop on the way, cos I also often can’t stay consistent, same with sharing on social media…

…maybe you see the mess? Maybe you see the weird space I am in right now? Maybe not?

At the same time, I just want to paint! I want to share beauty & colors & light into the world. I want to do things with my hands, get dirty, smoosh around paint…

And yet, I am inhibiting myself…

What is all this? Why can’t I just get myself together and move away from it? Out of it?

All this is going on in my body, mind, heart… and more, cos I also feel responsible to make a living, be responsible and provide valuable work and things to the world.

You know what my dream would be? Maybe what my dream IS?!

To paint paintings, share them with the world & people and sell them, making others happy.

To draw and teach drawing, so that I can share with people the magic of it, help them to remove their doubts about “I can’t draw” and make them feel confident in themselves and their skills.

To help people get back to their own human-ness, by being creative, exploring and creating whatever they want to create, trust their gut feeling and dare to go for what they would love to do and learn.

…..I guess in the end it is about me doing the same! Just DO, jump into the act of doing, painting and creating myself…

And weirdly enough, I have already managed to do that, when I decided to become a scientific illustrator, make a living from being an artist.

So now the next challenge is, to decouple it from science, and truly become a full-bodied artist.

To learn to be able to say:

“I am an artist, I paint, draw and teach what I learned to others”

I would sincerely like to thank you all who read until here! Seriously! I really appreciate this a lot, especially because all this is my current chaotic and messy state of mind.

And I don’t have much to share on how I will solve it, how I will go about it… oh well: I did clear out my clean laundry from my painting room this weekend, thats a first step :)

I hope this newsletter today makes you realize its okay to sometimes be in a weird spot, full of unclarity, mess & confusion. And if you have any valuable tips, feel free to share them with me, maybe you have been in such a spot & have successfully maneuvered yourself out of it :)

I decided to share this as a vulnerable extension out of my comfort zone. And typing it out did somehow make me feel a bit relieved now!

Thank you for reading & listening!

Love,
Daria