I don't want to hurt you
A noble goal, and an illusion at the same time
I used to live my life in accordance to this sentence.
To not want to hurt you, or you, or for that matter: anyone in my life.
And I am not speaking about physically hurt, I can’t even kill a fly. I mean, I never wanted to emotionally or mentally hurt anyone.
Did I succeed?
Of course not. I hurt many people in my 38+ years.
Deliberately? Nope, not at all.
Because you know, it’s supposedly a noble and very admirable goal, at least it sounds like it: “I don’t want to hurt you”.
Unfortunately it’s a promise none of us can give, to anyone. Neither can I.
I was equally hurt by other people in my life, plenty of times.
Were they all evil? Hell no! I am fortunate enough to not have gone though crazy and insane moments of hurt that are out of the ordinary.
Here is the thing: we are all humans, so we will sooner or later hurt another human.
Let’s take it to the extreme: I bet your mom felt a bit of pain when she gave birth to you, right? ;) In a way, you hurt her, but of course you didn’t want to, you didn’t mean to, but the process of giving birth involves pain, naturally so.
…well, let’s set aside those examples where women share that birth was their biggest orgasm in their life; I don’t know how much pain they felt then… but thats not the point with this newsletter today :D
Because, on my noble way of living my life, trying not to hurt anyone, can you guess who I hurt the most?
Myself.
Every time I didn’t share my truth, every time I felt like I need to step back, put myself on the back-burner for someone else.
It could have been a friend, a parent, a partner, a sibling, a colleague, a boss, a client, a random stranger on a bus…
I have very early memories of having the urge to say and express something and suppressing it, feeling like crap and regretting it afterwards.
Why? Because I did not want to hurt anyone.
I needed a while to learn that other peoples emotions are not my responsibility to handle. They are theirs.
And if one of my parents got upset cos I decided to do something else other than what they recommend, its on them.
If a friend got sad cos I didn’t want to join a gathering, its on them.
If a romantic partner got upset because I set a boundary, its their responsibility to deal with it.
Because each time I did that, I hurt myself, my truth and who I was and wanted to be.
It made me a people pleaser and the fact that I am quite empathetic and feel other peoples feelings, doesn’t make that easier, trust me on that.
In a way it’s a balance between who I should honor in the first place: myself or the external world.
Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think we should ever deliberately hurt anyone; physically, emotionally or mentally, neither spiritually (hello gossiping!)
But I have hurt other people too, without wanting it! Why? Because of my own pain and my inability to regulate my feelings.
When I got emotionally upset about what a friend told me about the family of her partner & I could see her sliding into troubles, that surely did not make her feel comfortable.
When I told a fried that I feel like a drug, I need to have space from our friendship, that must have felt not very nice either.
When I broke up with a boyfriend, I bet that caused a lot of pain. And we know how heartbreak can feel even very physically painful. I think there are studies out there about that…
What I noticed though is, that slow, unaware actions cause most of the hurt. A supposedly sudden heartbreak for one person, has been a slow heartbreak for the other, for quite a while.
At least that is the case for me.
Same for friendships that broke. With time, no communication, no clarification, no asking and disregarding my heart gets micro breaks and hurts, so that in the end, a big hurt is inevitable.
Here is the thing: we cannot avoid hurting people, or being hurt, but there is good news too:
We can try to repair! & it is ALWAYS worthy to try to repair what and who we hurt.
It might not end up in a perfect relationship, but it might ease the pain, or ease the hurt feeling after the breakup.
It is also a chance to connect deeper with the person that experienced the pain. So we can get out of hurtful situations with an even more strong relationship!
I have had experiences like that, with my mom, with my first boyfriend, with friends in my life… just like those experiences that lead to breakups and distorted relationships with people in my life.
What I wanted to share today is: you are not a bad person when you hurt someone, neither am I. You are just human.
And it actually might be more painful for you, and me, to try to avoid hurting.
Instead, we can walk the earth with an open heart and mind, be aware, reflect and openly communicate with the people we love, and sometimes say: “Sorry, I messed up!”!
Let’s throw away “noble sentences” like that and instead embrace our humanness & walk though life and our relationships to others and ourselves as open as possible!
What are your thoughts about it?
Love,
Daria
