How much we don't know other people
...and why communication matters
I had a very interesting revelation coming up this week and I decided to write about it, because maybe it will be valuable to reflect upon for someone else too.
We walk around through life and build all kinds relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, work-relationships, family connections etc.
With time and trust & lived experiences, we sometimes start thinking we “know” the other person.
And to a certain extend this is true. We start getting a feeling for who they are, we share moments together, sometimes we can very accurately tell if they do well or not.
And sometimes: we think we know an aspect of the other, but we don’t. At all.
Highschool art-friends
I have a friend, her name is Sandy. We know each other from highschool. This means since 20 years already.
Numbers like that don’t say much, but we had a tight connection back then, followed some years apart, and now, since ca 5 years we send each other almost daily voicemails, cos I live in Sweden and she lives in Germany.
She is one of my closest friends, so am I to her.
Our friendship had a strong connection through art. We both were in the advanced art class in highschool & had a blast.
After school, our careers went into different directions, I deviated into science and dropped art almost completely, while she still painted & illustrated etc.
Then I started to find my way back into art & became a scientific illustrator & since ca 2-3 years, I went back to analogue art & started painting again.
Art was always something we both loved and I always admired her skills. To me, I would have never imagined being able to do what she does. But to her, I was always an artist.
20 years fast-forward: I re-started art
Since ca. 2 months I am part of an art program. It is acrylic painting, so naturally, I share all I learn & try & experience with Sandy.
And we noticed some surprising things, cos she couldn’t understand why I loved the basics of the basic art practices:
I enjoyed to make a color wheel
I finally painted with lots of colors
I enjoyed to dilute my heavy body paints with medium
I went for wall paint to face my fear of wasting paint.
I play & smoosh around paint like I never did, mix colors, try techniques
She told me one day: “I am confused… I am happy to hear that you enjoy it, but I don’t get it! This is so basic, its the most boring part of doing art. I really am totally puzzled about your joy.”
And I tried to explain it as good as I could, until I realized:
I have not properly shared what I can and can’t do, what I did and didnt do, what I experienced and what I didnt experience when it comes to art.
Why?
Because art always came easy to me. I always painted & drew, I was born with what is called “a talent”.
I don’t particularly like this term, but I also don’t want to dismiss my gifts. So I want to call them “my inheritance” instead. I inherited artistic skills from my artist dad.
Here are some things I grew up with:
paint is precious, not to be wasted (my dad painted with oil)
brushes need to be cleaned properly & not dry up, they are also precious
dark, disturbing paintings (I couldn’t handle the motives)
seeing a plagued artist, full of doubt & pain (I didn’t want to be that)
and I heard: “You are so talented, you got it from your dad!”
—> all these made me want to not be an artist like my dad
Here are some things I never did:
color wheels
playing with colors & testing them out & wasting them
use other things than brushes to paint
art = trial & error; instead: art looks perfect!
learn from my dad, he couldn’t teach me
do art for the play and joy of it & from my interest
Here is what I started to believe:
you can’t make money with art
paint is super valuable, I cant waste it to make something ugly
I compared myself to my dad & his skills, ofc I wasn’t good enough
I did not connect art with play & fun
Art was more painful than easy, even though it came easy to me
Being an artist meant to be disconnected from the world & yourself & in pain
Making art is a way of running away from oneself
Final revelation:
All of these beliefs, I grew up with. Some still sit inside of me 38 years later and I am slowly dismantling them. I mean, I do make my living from art now, even if its not fine art, but scientific illustrations.
BUT! Reflecting upon Sandy & my conversation, I started to realize what the problem was, why she was so confused:
Because many of those aspects I shard now, my friend Sandy knew too, apart from some specifics.
But she did not live though them, she did not experience them. The only thing she knew was, that I delivered what I delivered in highschool. She told me: “I thought you were one of the best ones in our class! Maybe something like talent does exist…”
For her, it was mindblowing to hear me say that I never did what she did. She even questioned if she knows me at all :D.
Because Sandy did not grew up in a creative family (my mom was and is super creative and always supported me in doing art & crafts).
She started to be interested in art & drawing and painting & learned it from scratch.
So she did a lot of it, practiced, tried and played around. Got materials gifted and thought it would be a waste to not use them & like that developed her skills! Paints were never precious, neither brushes and she just kept going…
When we met in highschool then & she saw what I did, she assumed I went through the same process she did.
But I didn’t. At all! I am doing that now!! And I still can paint and draw and illustrate, I just always had the skills inside of me, like a software that was installed :).
It is a bit crazy for both of us having realized that only now! And it makes perfect sense and luckily we have such a great & open communication that we were able to figure it out.
Now we both know on what page we are on and can keep on supporting each other from a place of more clarity. And she always did support me anyways, so did I!
What are the lessons learned from this revelation:
we never know another person 100%, and I don’t use “never” lightly.
we judge and see the world through our own lense, our experiences and then assume something that might not count for someone else.
we think we communicate clearly, believe the other knows us well, but we might realize, that they are not in our head & experiences, therefore more wordss & clarity are needed
having an open & honest communication channel is crucial!!
Now, what do do about that? Move on, with more awareness :D
But in all seriousness: where do you maybe assume something that was never confirmed by your friend, partner or family member?
Could you communicate more clearly to another person, to avoid any missunderstandings and confusions?
This situation taught me so many things, about my friendship with Sandy, myself, my past, my way of communicating, my awareness and it made me SOOOOO grateful to have her in my life & be able to speak about those things.
And none of us being mad or upset that after 20 years of knowing each other, we just realized such a big discrepancy on how we perceived each other.
Life & relationships are just amazing I think! Who knows what else we will find ot in 20 years ;)
That is it for today!
And if you are interested in drawing or painting together, feel fre to become a paid subscriber, thee next session is this Wednesday at 17:30 CEST ;)
Love,
Daria