Different types of compliments

My ranking of compliments

I used to be really terrible at accepting compliments, really truly bad, so much so, that it was almost embarrassing…

I would feel huge discomfort, I would feel the need to immediately say a compliment back, so that a fair balance was kept, in my head. I would sometimes wonder why the person complimented me, even though I know that I am a nice & decent human being, so why not to compliment me? But why to do it at all…?

On the other hand, giving compliments was always easy for me & I would never lie about them either, they were always genuine. However, because I would not lie about compliments, this should have been one of my indicators when some of my relationships in the past were for about to break apart, as I stopped sharing compliments…

Why was there this dissonance in giving and receiving compliments? Most likely because I was living in a giving-mode, not knowing how to receive.

By now I am already way better, no discomfort, no guilt, and no weird balance there that I feel I need to keep. Compliments are beautiful and I still love to give proper ones, from my heart & soul, meaning every word I say.

If I think about it, I feel that there are different categories of compliments. In my past I thought there are three types of compliments, starting from the most irrelevant & superficial one, ending with the most meaningful one:

1.     Compliments targeting the physical appearance.

When it comes to those type of compliments, they can target anything from our clothes, make-up, or our innate biological beauty without any additional attempts to “pretty-ourselves-up”. It could be “Oh you look nice in that dress.”, “Wow, I love your hair today!” or: “Your smile makes my day”.

These types of compliments are directed to the physical appearance of someone and are usually immediately visible with our eyes. Of course they can sound different, we all like different things and we will express ourselves differently. Those compliments are easy to make, as we can pick something we see and like and compliment the other person on it.

In my past I would usually brush these compliments off, thinking “Well yeah, I can’t do much about how I look. Thank you mom & dad.” In a way dismissing the other persons attempt to say something nice to me.

I get why I did it, cos its true: my parents are responsible for my basic phenotype = blond, green eyes etc. BUT: I can put effort to look taken-care-of or completely disregard how I look. And it is totally okay to compliment the effort I put in how I look, even to say that a physical feature of mine is liked. It is not wrong, even if it’s the “easiest” and most “superficial” type of compliment.

Moving on to the second type of compliment:

2.     Compliments targeting accomplishments.

Those go a level deeper and concern everything we accomplish. It could be school, studies, getting a certain grade, making a certain thing when crafting, finishing a course, or pushing through a tough physical challenge… really anything that includes a certain action and a specific outcome that we do.

I always felt that these compliments are a bit more meaningful than Type 1 compliments, because we address the other persons interest, their skills, their resilience or passion for something. It is not “just” looks, but something more, that is also more specific to the person as in it could be their hobbies they love, the education they picked or the challenge they put themselves through. These compliments go a bit deeper, could sound like: “Wow, I am impressed that you did a PhD.”, “I love the painting you did.” Or: “I am blown away that you managed to overcome this fear of yours!”

Off to compliment category number three:

3.     Compliments targeting the personality.

I guess this category is quite self-explanatory, it concerns everything that a person is: lovable, kind, compassionate, funny, helpful, supportive, honest, open, adventurous, truthful, passionate, energetic etc. When we really get to know people, we get to know their personalities, who they are, how they are, also their fears, worries and tricky personality traits.

So if we compliment someone about their personality, it means we know them well, e.g.: “I really appreciate your honesty.”, “I love your humor” or: “I am so happy that you support me in this.”

These compliments show a bond between people, they also connect us more to each other and make us feel loved and appreciated. I always liked these types of compliments the most, because they would also represent the dynamic I have with another person. To have someone really knowing and appreciating me is one of the highest compliments there is.

I mentioned to you before, that I now believe that there is a forth category of compliments, it is the tip of the ice berg and THE best type of compliment a person can get, or that we can give to another human being… here we go:

4.     Compliments about how we make others feel.

These compliments are the ultimate compliments for me! Why? Because they show how we can affect other human beings deeply.

There is this saying: we won’t remember words, neither actions, but we will remember how people make us feel, the pleasant and the unpleasant feelings ;-)

So, if someone else compliments us on how we make them feel, no matter if we consciously try it (no manipulation involved!) or it just happens by being ourselves, it is a great honor. Examples of these are: “You make me feel safe!” or “I feel like I can be totally myself in your presence!”. What this means is, that the other person can let their guard down, they can be open, vulnerable & honest cos we manage to create a space where they feel comfortable. This also acknowledges us a s a person, it acknowledges our energy & the feelings we bring to the table in the relationship.

If by being ourselves, fully & wholeheartedly and we make people feel safe, that is one of the biggest compliments we can get or give to another person. It shows how important the other human being is, how relevant and valuable our relationship is and it just makes the world a better place! At least this is how I feel :-)

What are your thoughts on this compliment ranking? Did I forget something? Is there maybe even a fifth way of complimenting a person? If so, please feel free to share it with me!

Love,
Daria