Dancing as a leader: thanks, but no thanks.

Why I don't want to lead when dancing

One of the hobbies I have pursued since I was a teenager is dancing. It is funny, because I was a rather shy kid & I felt ashamed when dancing in the club. The partner-dancing-classes at the dance school somehow made me feel a bit more secure, as it was a team effort.

I went to learn ballroom dances, Vienna Waltz was my favorite dance. I got lucky cos I had a dancing partner who was much more advanced than me, so I learned a lot and rather quickly.

The other aspect I loved about dancing with him was that he mixed up steps from all the different dances we learned, so there was a lot of spontaneity which I really enjoyed. I truly got spoiled.

So much so, that I did not want to go to dance classes when I moved to Sweden, cos I felt I will never find a dance partner like him. Eventually that changed and I started dancing salsa, bachata, kizomba, even tried Lindy Hop, ballett and my most favorite dance of all of them was West Coast Swing. Nothing can beat this dance! The openness & spontaneity sometimes reminds me of my first dancing partner.

Here in Sweden, going to dance classes is a bit different than in Germany. Generally speaking, you sign up with a partner but throughout the course everyone rotates and it’s possible to dance with many different partners. Like that it's also possible to learn and get better rather quickly. And you get to know people and can dance with them on the social dance evenings as well.

When it comes to the terminology in dancing, the follower is oftentimes the woman and the leader is the man. It can vary depending on the preference. As a leader you are supposed to lead the follower and steer the majority of the dance, but there are also options for the follower to improvise or take over for a while, this usually needs a bit more advanced knowledge.

At one of the last social dance trainings I went to, I talked with one of my dancing friends & said that I did not sign up for a course, cos I didn’t have a leader to sign up with. Usually, the guys are taken rather quickly by the girls and I just don’t bother enough to ask early on :-). Our conversation went like that:

My friend said: “Well, maybe you should sign up as a leader then, so you get into the course!”

I replied: “Nope, I don’t want to sign up as a leader, I want the leader to do their part as a leader and I wish to be a follower during the dance.”

To which he replied: “Oh I see, so you are a conservative then, I thought so, most biologists are.” I laughed, surprised: “Well, I don’t know, I just don’t want to lead.”

He argued that it would make me a better follower, to which I said: “Yeah maybe, that could be a reason to do it, but I don’t want to use it as a reason to get into a course.”

This conversation stayed with me for a while. I know of great leaders who are women and I truly enjoy dancing with them, and I love to watch when two guys are dancing and switching the roles of leader and follower. I just love to watch people dance!

However, there is a bit more substance to my answer than the conversation with my friend revealed:

I know how to lead. I lead my life, I lead my company, I have lead myself through my PhD, I lead myself by moving alone to a new country, I am leading my household, I am the leader of me and my dog, I can organize trips, I can plan, I can execute, I can take responsibility… I know how to lead, in many different scenarios and in many different ways.

I grew up seeing how my mom was leading everything: our family, her kids, her husband, the finances, the vacations, whenever we got sick, our surgeries… my mom has been the head of our family since forever. So it comes naturally for me to lead, as I grew up constantly seeing her doing that.

This also had as a consequence, that I often was leading in my relationships. Not all the time, but somehow I managed to find myself with partners and in positions where I was the strong one, the leading one, deciding, pulling the strings… I also had many friendships where I was the leading person. Its not that I was forced to do it, that I was tyrannical about it either, I think part of me has great leadership qualities, that is also most likely why I succeeded in many things and many people are drawn to leaders.

Being capable of leading is great, but it is also: exhausting, tiring, annoying, draining and energy-stealing.

I realized that leading & deciding constantly was too much for me and I also realized that I have troubles receiving. I couldn’t receive compliments, they would make me feel awkward. I couldn’t accept so easily when someone wanted to help me, I would feel very bad about it. I could also not easily ask for help, I felt that I was a burden.

At the same time, when I was sick and my mom took care of me, I felt relieve. I felt that I am able to let go of control, of leading, and I could allow myself to be weak.

All this made me decide that I want to face this challenge, try to learn how to receive, learn how to follow and have someone else leading. It is basically about trust. Do I trust the other person to do it well? To decide for me? To make us both thrive in the situation we are in?

For me dancing always was this perfect situation where I did not have to lead and decide, where I could just freely flow, follow and be. At the same time, it was also training me to trust boys or men, which was, and is, something very valuable for me too.

Dancing still is a great practice of this for me, until now. I got waayyy better in all the aspects I mentioned before and I know I can get even better when I keep on doing this. I also believe I can become a better follower by practicing being a follower and NOT signing up as a leader. It will just confuse my system and I don’t feel like I want to revert any progress I have made till now on this topic.

Also, following is not about being passive and following blindly, not at all. It is about trusting and following consciously. Giving signals of connection & trust, so that the leader dares to lead me as well and make it a pleasant dance for both of us. If I don’t allow him to lead me during a dance, he can’t do much. It requires consent from both sides, and it is perceivable if this consent is given, simply by two bodies moving, dancing with each other and having fun.

Even as a follower, there is a giving, and as a leader there is a taking and I find this to be one of the most beautiful things when it comes to dancing.

I will keep on practicing being a follower, receive and trust and let leaders lead me when we dance.

Does this mean I am conservative? I don’t know, I also dont care. I know the reasons why I do it in this way and any general label is irrelevant to what it actually means to me on my personal journey :-).

Love,
Daria