A personal story of changes in life
Change always happens, no matter what.
Last week, my online Mantra meditation group class ended.
Done, over…
Since around 6 years we have been meditating together in this setting. Sometimes three times per week, twice, once, or for short periods of time, even daily.
We met in the mornings or the evenings, with 2 or 3 people, or 8 or 9.
On the weekend or weekdays. On Full Moons or special birthdays.
We sang mantras from all cultures, sat in silence, we chatted, shared stories, we opened up and shed tears, together or alone, being witnessed by others. People came and left & new people came.
I was feeling held, seen throughout all those years, and a strong bond of togetherness was formed amongst all of us with time.
Now, the setting is not there anymore, but the connection & togetherness is still there. Only time will tell what this will become, what it will merge into & how we will continue.
If you would have asked me in my first or second year, that our class will end one day, I would have been in shock, devastated. Impossible to believe it.
Now, last week, when we spoke about it, I felt okay. Not devastated, neither shocked, I think I felt it coming.
There is a type of sadness inside of me, I had to go on a longer processing-walk afterwards… yet, I feel fine. I feel connected & held, still. I do not feel left alone, at all. I know that I am not, never will.
And this is a sign that our group & the connection we built is larger and stronger than any certain, set group setting. We managed to create true soul connections.
Today I felt like writing about what I learned throughout all these years & my experiences and how they shaped my life and me. And also ,how they will continue shaping my life.
I was convinced that I was incapable to meditate. I had a certain belief about it & thought I am not made for it, it never worked.
One day, while I was considering a change and to finally try something new, a friend of mine asked me if I want to join him for Mantra Meditation classes. I trusted him & I felt that this was the right thing to do.
So I joined. And here we are, 6 years later.
I am so grateful that he introduced me to Elizabeth, who officially was our teacher, but with time, she also became my friend, a member of my soul family and someone who I value so much in my life.
Through her & her class setting I became who I am today. Another fun fact is, that throughout all these years, we have only met once! In India, for a 10 days mantra meditation pilgrimage with our past teacher. It was magnificent.
Anyways, I wanted to share with you all that I learned and the changes that happened in my life doing Mantra meditation so regularly. I am not sure if I manage to list all of them, but it also doesn’t matter. I will keep it short as well.
So what I learned and how I changed, incoming:
I learned to let go of my grudges towards the catholic church.
I started to feel comfortable with the words “God” and “Jesus”
I got to know people who are very similar to me in their depth & how they see the world and the universe, with all the miraculous things happening and I learned that I am not the only one who is “so weird” ;)
I learned to speak up louder, set boundaries and I learned to be comfortable with my voice and who I am.
I experienced what it means to cry in front of someone else and be held in a space that is pure & that it is possible to be seen deeply.
I had many moments of clarity, confusion, difficulties and I learned that there is comfort in sharing, even the difficult emotions that I used to suppress, like anger and rage and shame and guilt and blame and judgement.
I sharpened my intuition and my spidey-senses, SERIOUSLY much! I cant emphasize that enough.
I learned to trust myself even more.
I became much more kind and loving towards myself, less critical and harsh.
I also became more mindful about how I am in the world and to who.
I learned to say No and distance myself from what is not serving me.
I learned a lot about hinduism, buddhism, christianity and all types of gods & goddesses.
And then I learned how to throw all of that knowledge away again and start from scratch :D
I experienced changes in group dynamics, people coming and connecting and leaving for good.
I learned what it really means to meditate (spoiler: its not what you think it is ;) )
I managed to sit still for hours at once.
I got into spaces I have never been before, mentally ,emotionally, spiritually. Without any drugs or mushrooms or such, just through sound, breathing and silence.
I finally managed to do and enjoy silent meditation. I love it!
I realized that it is possible to stick to habits, be consistent and show up.
I also learned what it felt like when I did not show up for my practice and that I felt much worse.
I experienced conflicts between people and myself and that healthy resolutions are possible, that we can reconnect & re-trust & that we are all human in the end.
I realized that you can easily trust a stranger you have never met & build a connection with them. Its not as scary.
I witnessed people crying, breaking open & sharing vulnerable moments of their lives and I felt the honor to be able to participate and hold space.
I learned to be the person who is witnessed in these moments myself as well.
… I think I made my point… I learned a shitload of stuffs!
And I have not even explained all the extra healing sessions I had with Elizabeth that shifted so much in my life… I cant even describe all of that.
And I also think, that I have not even shared half of all that happend, all that I learned. Because usually other people see us and how we changed much more… but in the end, it doesn’t really matter.
What matter is, that I changed so much, that such a drastic change in my life makes me stay stable and grounded. It doesn’t throw me off balance.
I give a lot of credit to our classes to this, the strength that has been built over the years inside of me. Without making me rigid and stiff, but make me soft at the same time…
I know this sounds weird, but I really feel like that: I am much stronger in so many ways, but also so much softer and kinder, especially to myself…
And for that, and all the other things, I will always be grateful for Elizabeth & her Mantra Meditation classes.
And you know, I know that this doesnt really mean “end”, we are still in the same world, connected via our souls, in touch because we are human beings on the same path, walking this earth together.
But in my world view, not even death means “end”, so in a way, it is just another step of evolution that is happening.
It is just a change. And changes always occur, no matter what. If you want it or not, if you life it or not, if you fear them or not.
We therefore might just as well get along with them, and embrace every change we experience. Instead of trying to avoid what is unavoidable.
So for today, that is it. I felt like writing this off of my chest & honor these last 6 years in this way.
I know and feel that my heart is more grateful and excited about all of it, compared to any words that I could possibly write down.
It is just the usual inadequacy of words and language compared to feelings, emotions and connection and bodily perceptions.
And you know, I also feel changes in my life, in my writing, in this newsletter… since a while already I am feeling that something is shifting, or needs to shift… I have no clue yet what and how and when and why though…
But one thing I know for sure, cos I learned that as well: to trust & surrender and go with the flow of life and the Universe and whatever any creator or God or Higeher self has as a plan for my little soul.
It will all be fine!
Love,
Daria
