12. The hat of being a big sister
what it means for me to be the older sister
Today I decided to share with you some thoughts about my big-sister hat. Especially because current life events make this be a more prominent hat in my life again, because my sister just moved here to the North of Sweden.
How our lives started was, that I was born in Poland and with ca. 1,5 years, my parents decided to move to Germany, by that time my mom was pregnant with my sister. So it was our first international travel together!
Many more followed, because the rest of our family stayed in Poland so when we were old enough, my parents would send us to Poland via a Bus travel agency in our summer vacations. In these days it was common to do that instead of flying and we always had a Lady who assisted us & took care of us on the trip. Back then, we did not have mobile phones, so if our parents wanted to reach us, they had to call the bus driver.
I was always very aware of my responsibility of being the older sister, I felt protective over my sister & never wanted anything to happen to her. So when we were on these bus tours, I would always sit next to the aisle, she would sit by the window. Like that I would always know if she needs to stand up, go to the toilette or whatever else. I was fine in compromising on a less good sleeping position by not having the window to lean my head on.
Apart from these bus trips, I also always felt protective over her in our everyday life. Whenever I witnessed someone being mean to her or saying something mean about her, I would be very upset & defend her, I did not like that at all. She was not the easiest person to deal with, also not for me, but I never accepted that anyone would hurt her in any way.
It is funny, because I used to be the super shy, quiet & calm daughter, while my sister would be more rebellious, loud & would not take shit. Our mom joked many times that it would be good if we got a bit of each other sometimes to balance out our rather extreme differences.
I also remember that we fought a lot, we also played & got along, but there were always fights between us and we did not manage to clear them out properly somehow. We always got back to play & do things together, until the next explosion & fight which felt awful.
I know that many siblings fight, its nothing uncommon, yet I knew of some examples that didn’t & I always wished for a more harmonious relationship with my sister. After all, it is just the two of us, so how amazing would it have been to get along!
…fast forward: BÄM! We live close by in the Arctic! And we have a better relationship that I would have ever imagined! Its beyond average as to what I can observe and I cannot even explain how happy it makes me. Such a miraculous occurrence! Living together abroad would not have been a possibility just five years ago & now it feels as natural as it could be!
This is what I meant in the beginning, that now my big-sister hat is activated more, cos we live close by. And I need to be aware when I overstep and get into protection mode, cos I don’t want her to be harmed.
By now we are grown-ups, we are responsible for our own lifes & life choices. Of course I do everything to help with fixing things, registering her etc & I am always there for support & such. Yet I need to be careful to not overstep and get into big-sister- mode, or even worse: mom-mode.
How do I do that? By being as aware as possible, by communicating openly, by also listening to her reactions to what I say & do & reflect upon them. Also take her words & impressions in, as a reflection of my behavior. And if it is necessary: I apologize for my misjudgments & misbehaviors to her. Explain & share my thoughts & just say that I am sorry.
I also tell her that she is allowed to tell me when I overstep a certain line, that when she feels not treated okay, she should openly tell me. Otherwise I might not notice & miss out on an opportunity to grow & make our relationship even stronger.
It takes some courage to do that & I know in the past this was very difficult for me to do, to admit that I did something wrong, especially towards her. It was not so difficult to apologize to others, but with her it was different.
I am happy that this changed because I am convinced that for relationships to work out, there needs to be open, honest & vulnerable conversations and a type of repair-process needs to be in place too. Especially because disagreements and even fights will occur either way and after intense periods, trust might get broken and to reconnect, the relationship needs to be repaired.
I have had friendships & relationships degrade and break because of a lack of open and honest communication and no repair process in place and I do not want this to be repeated with my sister. So I better keep on being open, honest & vulnerable & challenge myself as much as possible :)
What are your experiences with big-or-small-sibling hats?
Love,
Daria
I’m a big sister of 6 siblings. 2 younger brothers then twin sisters. The youngest sister 9 and a half years younger than me. A lot was expected of me. All I wanted was peace with my siblings . Being the oldest I missed out on a lot of them growing up. I was married at 19 years and 6 months old. But always regarded as the great big sister who had to set a great example to them. Even when my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary I was considered as the oldest to be the organiser. Write out a list of who was doing what, even if those had said they could take responsibility for certain things. They all wanted a list of who was doing whatever, coordinating everything. The main executor of mum’s will as she passed last. Keeping the peace between us all. My dearest mother said in her 2nd to last conversation with me ‘ Miriam you have a very big heart and care a lot about other people’. I took after our mother in nature and looms, she was also talking about herself.