11. The hat of being a PhD
How my journey to become a PhD looked like
In my life, I have usually done what I felt drawn to the most. If it resonated with my inner feelings, my intuition and I felt joy about it, I would go for it.
It started in high school, when I picked the subjects or my majors that I was drawn to and it continued when choosing to study biology and focus on plant science. I also picked the labs I worked in, based on how well I connected to the people, as this always has been something important to me.
After my Masters, I decided to continue to do a PhD. Why? Again, because I felt drawn to it. Mainly cos I loved science, doing experiments, solving riddles, I loved to read and write and I also felt it would be an extension of my youth somehow, cos it did feel that I would postpone my entry into adulthood with this.
Did I care about the title? Nope, not once did I feel that this was the reason to do a PhD, neither did I feel entitled or better than other people having a PhD. If I am honest, I often forget it these days, this title is not a conscious part of me, it is basically a batch I earned, that’s it :-).
What I identify more with, is what I learned on the way. About science, academia, plant mitochondria and senescence, and also about myself! THAT is a big deal for me. My supervisor back then told me before I started with my PhD, that it will be a learning and discovering about who I am as a person, much more so than the science itself. Back then, I had no idea what he meant. But he was 150% right about it.
Me saying that I do not care about the title doesn’t mean that I dismiss it, on the contrary. I am very grateful for the experience and I know that doing a PhD is not easy.
It has taught me who I am as a person more and more. I learned resilience, dealing with frustration, setting boundaries, I learned that I do not like to be told all the time what to do, be dependent on someone else’s ideas and just execute.
I learned about how academia and the science-world works and that I am totally not a fit for it. I realized that most people get seriously broken during a PhD, mentally and emotionally. I have experienced scientists that care more about their plant model species than about any other human being.
I realized that the strong, and almost sole focus on the mind and the brain is just NOT what is healthy for me, neither do I believe that it is healthy for any other human being.
We humans are more than our mind and brain. We are made of a whole beautiful body below our head! Disregarding our heart and soul, our feelings, emotions, our gut hunches and intuitive hints is harmful to our well-being.
Doing my PhD taught me the one-sidedness we see ourselves is not what I align with, at all.
It also taught me, that being myself is the only way to go. From the beginning I shared with my supervisors and co-referees, that I don’t want to work on the weekend, that I also want to enjoy my life outside of my PhD. They agreed.
I introduced “Karneval” to the institute, by one day showing up in a lemon-costume & spreading candies to the people. Even though I was “The new PhD”.
I wore all the colors & crazy earrings & dresses that I wanted to wear. I openly shared how I felt about all kinds of things with my supervisors. Even if it was things like “I dont care how brilliant of a scientist he is, he is a terrible human being, misbehaves towards people, so I respect him less & don’t want to work together.”
It was not always easy, especially things like the last example, where I shared my views and values of the world, people & what I deem is appropriate and also unacceptable for me. At the same time, I also wanted to make a difference and help, so I engaged myself in different positions like being the PhD representative etc.
Along the lines of being me and becoming more me, my scientific journey and my PhD made it possible that I found back my love for art! I realized Science needs Art and I started to illustrate Science for myself and others. This led to my decision of starting my own company after my PhD and become a scientific illustrator.
I would have NEVER imagined starting my own company! I am the least business-person there is, or maybe I “was” that person in the past. Without my PhD, who knows where I would have ended up, so I am eternally grateful for this journey!
So overall my PhD time taught me a lot. It surely made me who I am today and I am happy I took this route in my life!
And I know, even if I don’t care about the title per se, other people do; so who knows, if it does me a favor of being taken more seriously in this world: why not ;-), even though I never had the feeling I am not taken seriously, that can’t possibly harm me!
Love,
Daria