06. The hat of being catholic

One of my first society-given hats

This hat is a hat that I did not choose myself, neither did biology determine my official belonging to a religion. It was chosen by my parents for me. Maybe the fact that I was born in Poland, a mainly catholic country, influenced my parents too.

What did it mean for me?

It meant christening, it meant communion & confirmation, it meant going to church on Sundays, but only with my mom & sister, my dad refused church; it meant being part of the kids choir, it meant singing, sitting on wooden benches, kneeling on un-polstered wooden, hurtful boards, “eating” Christ’s bread, sometimes going to confession & listening to different priests telling us various things about life, the bible, God, Jesus & everyone else involved. And dressing nicely as well. And meeting friends too.

Did I like it?

Well, sometimes yes, parts of it. I liked the singing, especially when I saw the white books lying on the church benches when entering. This meant more fun & child-friendly, happy songs and a younger, more modern priest, vs the black old books, with mostly sad, draining & serious songs. Funny if I think about the color-coding and meaning of these church singing-books... I also liked to meet my friends, the community-feeling I got.

I did not like the smell of church incense, I did not like priests telling me how to live my life, being intrusive. I did not like the sad songs, I did not like when in polish church mess the priests would tell us to “Fear God!”, talk about the devil & spread unease, judgment & fear.

Somehow, I could never understand why God should want us to fear him, it didn’t make sense to me. It often also felt boring to sit still & listen to someone talking & preaching to us, or me. Who is this person, that doesn’t even know me, but tells me things?

And: why does a priest care about the “confessions” of a little child? I was sooo nervous before my first one, I didn’t even know what I should say. I fought with my sister, yaayy. What kind of sins can a young kid have? The shame of admitting it to a stranger? Ummm… And do grown-ups really share their deepest worries, sins or fears with priests these days? I certainly didn’t and still don’t.

I had a very interesting conversation with my 18 year-old cousin this summer. He lives in Poland & because he grew up like that, he still goes to church. He said something along the lines “Confessions are pointless, they were used by priests to be sneaky & know all kinds of gossips that were going on in their parish, keep being at the source, updated & all. And to guilt-trip people, judge them & spread even more fear and gossip.” I do think he was partly right & I have myself not experienced an eye-opening moment around confessions with a priest.

Some of the stories I heard from family members were:

My uncle told me that back then, he & his now-wife had to find a priest to give them a signed paper & officially allow them to get married, knowing that she was pregnant. It took them a while to find such a priest.

My dad told us several stories on how he saw priests groping the girls in his class when he was a younger, how he was condemned to draw naked bodies during school lessons & got punished for it, while seeing that behind his back the priest took his anatomically correct drawings with him… I guess we can imagine what for. Understandable that my dad condemned church.

The older I got, the more critical I became towards catholic church myself. At some point we stopped going to church, only on special occasions like Christmas & Easter. I found out about all kinds of terrible things specifically catholic church was and is doing, so I didn’t want to engage with them.

I also experienced protestant church & loved the freedom & ease that I felt there. & the fact that there were female priests & they were allowed to have a family! Why is that even something forbidden in catholic church?!

I met two female, protestant priests here in Sweden. Every time I was blown away by finding out what it is they do, how they see things, how they interact with people, children and what immense and strong support they are for their community. Its such a relieve to hear that priests exist that are supportive, helpful, non-judgmental & in service to other human beings! And not condemning aspects of life and judging decisions and personal circumstances & choices. AND not threatening people with fear!

I love it! I had no idea that this existed. Mind-blowing and certainly bringing ease to my damaged catholic-infused soul.

All these experiences around church when growing up, made me avoid the word “God” and “Jesus”, and it also made me refuse to see myself as a “Sinner” and feel fear by someone else telling me to feel fear, just because they say so. No, thank you.

However, I always believed that there is something more to our existence. My mom called it the Universe & the powers of it and I liked that idea. I always felt the universe around me, and I felt angels & creatures and I felt protected & guided. Don’t ask me how, why or in which way, I just did. It gave me an ease I liked & I could avoid the charged words that reminded me of catholic church.

I also never understood why at school we were assigned to the class ‘religion’ based on the hat our parents made us wear. I could only go to catholic class. Why wasn’t ‘religion’ including all the religions in the world?! Why did I never learn about Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism and whatever else? Especially because we had different cultures in our school. Such a big, missed opportunity.

At the age of 34, I started with classes of mantra meditation. Several other occurrences in my life lead to the point that I finally managed to meditate regularly. I got to know my first teacher Elizabeth & I immediately felt a connection to her. Mantra classes were twice or three times per week & we would sing Hindu mantras, Sufi mantras, Christian and Arabic ones and also sing/prey to God, Jesus, Mother Mary & all kinds of other saints, gods & goddesses. It was and still is very religiously-inclusive, exactly what I wished for in school.

And guess what?! It took me quite a while to be able to sing to these three catholic characters: God, Jesus and Mother Mary. It brought unease, disgust, pain & feelings of dislike in my body. I refused to sing those mantras & use these words in the beginning.

It got better after a while of being exposed to it, speaking about our catholic backgrounds & history & how it shaped us & our generations before us, the pain & terror that was experienced, that still sits deep down in each of us. Yeah, even scientifically spoken, on genetic & epigenetic levels traumata get carried on from generation to generation, also religious traumata.

By now I am fine with using these words, singing the mantras & I don’t feel unease anymore. But also only in certain settings with certain people. Because I won’t share all that with someone who wants to fight me on faith, believe & trust, the Universe and God. It’s pointless. I didn’t want any priest to tell me those things either, so I won’t push it on anyone else. To each their own :-).

What I learned being in my mid-thirties now is, that the institution of church and priests have not much to do with religion, believe, faith & God. It’s mainly man-made institutions, run by normal humans and not representing the potential deep connection & ease that comes with believing that each one of us can choose to have, or not.

I still feel my deep connection to the Universe, this has never changed & I am grateful that I found a way & got some help from Elizabeth to heal some of those wounds that I got along the way wearing my Catholic-Hat. I feel that my connection to the Universe & God is going to continue & deepen even more with time. I am glad I found mantra meditation & that it made it possible to integrate my not-self-chosen-catholic-hat better into who I am as a person.

And I will continue wearing it together with my science-hat, which will be another exploration I will dive into in the future ;-)!

Love,

Daria

Wonderings:

Do you have a religious hat that was put on you?

How are you feeling about it?

Can you embody it or not yet?