03. The hat of being a girl
What it meant for me to be a girl
The determination of me wearing the hat of being a girl happened quite early, specifically when one egg of my mom picked one of the sperms my dad sent out to fertilize it.
Yes, newest research shows that it’s the egg that chooses the sperm. Either way, my mom picked a sperm that made me, me, the girl Daria with two X-chromosomes :-).
Now what does it actually mean? What’s the deal with this girl-hat?
First of all, I have a vagina & a vulva, I have a uterus & the potential to create other human beings, I also got into a female hormonal cycle when I got to a certain age & I developed breasts. Those are some of the biological features that make a girl a girl, or a woman in the future.
There are also some societal features that come with it. Depending on the generation, the attitudes of the parents & the little girls’ preferences, that can look very different.
In my case, I liked dresses, skirts, I loved colors, I enjoyed playing with plushtoys, I also loved to be outside & climb trees & go on scavenger hunts with my friends. I never liked horses, so I didn’t go for horseback riding, I liked to paint & to draw, to read & do riddles… hach, I liked so much, I dont even know if any of it was specific to me being a girl, or me being Daria & just liking & doing those activities. I had boy-friends that liked those things too… So who knows…
I surely know that I did not wear open sandals for very long time. It was always closed shoes or sneakers, mainly cos I was ashamed of my differently looking feet that were caused by my disabled-hat. If you are interested to know more about that hat, have a look at my last post :-) :
But I do remember some things I was told to do, or not to do, because supposedly “girls don’t do that.”
Swearing was one of the things. I shouldn’t do that because its not nice for girls to swear.
I also should never walk home alone, especially at nights, always with someone I know, just to make sure nothing happens to me.
I also remember that I used to be rather shameful & hiding my body, not really sure why & to which extent, if it was general body-shame or something sexual. I dont know, but I know my parents told me later, that they were joking amongst each other saying that they hope this stays like that until I am older. I guess with the hope of me being protected from harm. It didn’t stay, I surely still have some insecurities, but I don’t hide myself like I did when I was little.
Also, it shows a bit of something sad when it comes to girl-bodies. Something that indicates we might need to hide ourselves to be accepted or be extra careful nothing happens to us. There seems to exist something shameful about our bodies, which it actually is clearly not true, or shouldn’t be true.
I used to also go to saunas together with my mom. In Germany, they are all-in with nudity in saunas, so I still have a rather open mind & accepting attitude towards naked bodies.
Now being a woman, I can however see how this general shame spreads a loonggg way till womanhood in some of my surroundings, with all kinds of issues & insecurities coupled to that. Again, such a shame we don’t honor all our bodies appropriately.
I also had a bit of other special circumstances growing up.
My dad is an artist, a bit of a special one… or let’s say, he partly painted special things. He was great at all kinds of artistic skills: sculptures, wood carvings, paintings, drawings, landscapes & surrealism. He was also very inspired by humans and human bodies, both male & female bodies & he was very anatomically correct & realistic in his artistic depictions.
Many of his paintings were very tasteful representations, but there were also many surrealistic & twisted pieces, most of which were hanging in the bedroom of my parents, which outsiders would never enter. We as kids would of course be allowed to enter, but I have to admit that as a child I felt shame about those paintings. I had no idea about what they meant. I knew that they were showing anatomical parts of our bodies that are usually hidden, shamed & sexualized.
Now as a grown up I find those paintings fascinating because they are an entry point to my dads mind. He was and is a very troubled & closed person, we barely had emotional access to him & looking at his art from the past, I can recreate some of the things and pain & sufferings he must have gone through.
They are like a gateway to another dimension, of another person, someone who created me, who I am 50% made of. We are and will always be connected, so will his past & the generations before him.
I have no idea how exactly these experiences of his paintings made me wear my girl-hat, but now I treasure those paintings & also know that there are certain times and ages to see and deal with specific topics and parts of our human experience.
Love,
Daria
Wonderings:
What does it mean to be a girl to you? Or a boy?
How do you relate to nakedness?
Do you feel shame about the physical body you are in?