I love so many different things! I love science, I love art, I love to write, to illustrate, to paint, to learn, to help, to listen, to share & to interact. All the things.

I also love to paint different things! My favorite is abstract, but recently it was abstract insects, I like to scribble-illustrate and writing too! I love to write long posts, but always loved poems too!

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And I slowly but surely decided already to share more of these different aspects of mine, mainly on my LinkedIn page. Somehow I thought, I needed a fixed structure for it, a skeleton to stick to, so it’s not a “mess”. Same for this platform here. I started with a specific way of writing, so I thought I have to stick to it.

Yesterday I boiled over, cos I realized: I’m sick of this approach! Of the structured prison I basically put myself in! Why should I stick to any one way of doing something?

It’s an illusion that I think I can’t incorporate my poems that I suddenly want to write & share. Who says that I can’t do it? & when to do it? & how to do it? Noone, but myself.

So I said: no more of that! From now on, I will post & share what I want, when I want it, how I feel like it & anything that spontaneously comes up within me!

I will basically be a Kinder Surprise Egg! & the moment I decided that, I felt a relief. So I knew its the right move. Good for business? I dont know, maybe, maybe not.

Will it be confusing? Annoying? Weird? Inconsequential? Unclear? Maybe, maybe not, I dont mind it at all.

In general, our life is a living being, spontanous, free & flowy & I want my own inner life force to be all that as well!

I still keep one weekly, more personal post for paid subscribers and another weekly post for everyone. So for today, here comes my emotional outburst poem from yesterday!

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I used to have a lot of wrong believes about money, that it is evil, does bad, is limited, “doesn’t grow on trees”, is only there for certain people, can cause harm and generally I felt an unpleasant feeling around it. Like something is off and wrong with money. And those who want it, are also a bit off, something is wrong with them, cos only suspicious people want to have money, be wealthy or even rich.

These were just some of my limited mindsets around the topic of Money. Overall it was also not a topic that was talked about a lot, and if it was, usually a negative connotation was present, greed or shame was involved and sometimes it was just a taboo topic.

I remember, my first boyfriend and me had a very different take on money. While he wanted to make a lot of it, I rather saw it as a necessary evil, not worthy to invest thoughts in it and I did not align with his ambitions. Even though I know that he also wanted it to be able to take care of his family etc, so rather noble goals, which I agreed to as well. But somehow, I didn’t like his striving for money, as to me it should have never been the biggest motivation to do something specific in my life.

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By that I meant, that I wouldn’t want to do a job just because it would bring more money, while I was a feeling miserable and didn’t like the job. That type of compromise was never something I agreed upon, and that stayed till today: I still dont like that thought. This is why I decided to start my own company & do what I feel is truly valuable and needed in the world: scientific illustrations.

Yes, you read that right: I started my own company even though I had these negative believes about money. How does that even work? Well, I can tell you, it worked, and still does. But also, because I started shifting and working with my own money mindset.

At some point I decided, that my view on money does not serve me anymore, it leads to stress and situations that I could avoid and instead, bring more lightness into my life. So I did a money mindset coaching, learned different tools, expanded my mind and view around money & slowly started seeing money as not evil, but as a source of energy. That is it: money is an energy.

And that lead to improvements in my business. With time I also got better and better with setting my prices, which had to do with realizing my worth as well, my self-worth. Because often a limited mindset around money is not only because of the wrong believes we have been taught about it, but with an insecurity about our own value. Do I actually am worthy and how worthy am I and my services?

I also decided to invest in myself more and regularly hire coaches, teachers & mentors whenever I noticed I would like to accelerate my growth & development. It always worked! Always!!!

And what I learned there is: the learning never stops. Cos since a while already, I have the feeling that my money-mindset needs another upgrade and I have gotten another coach for this challenge of mine. It comes in connection with my wish to expand on my business, try something else, something new and widen my scope. Somehow I feel that my heart & soul crave something more and I want to investigate what that is.

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In the end, I truly do not believe that money is evil. At all. Of course money can be used for evil actions, by maybe corrupt people and systems, but that doesn’t mean that it is evil itself. It’s a tool, an energy and what we do with it will make all the difference.

If anything, access to a lot of money will show the true nature of a person, organization or collective and that will be very saying. It will also be the possibility where to start and change our approach to money: within ourselves first.

Would love to hear your take on that topic!

Love,

Daria

Why do I want to write about this moment? It is because it was a type of official turning point in my life & career, very emotional and meaningful. And also: because showing emotions and feelings is still something many people struggle with, I am also working on that myself.

Especially the crying part is tricky, even more so doing that when others witness it. It’s extra hard. And then imagine: in the middle of the world of academia, being a PhD student in her third year and standing in front of several professors, presenting her PhD progress, with the plan to share with them that I want to leave academia… yeah, maybe that makes the emotional part of it a bit more understandable :-)

But before I get to the moment, some other important things to write about: I have always been a bit different, let’s say, not a very stereotypical scientist or how many scientists are or become. To me it was always important to pay attention to the human-ness of our beings.

That means: data, numbers, logic, rationality and statistics is not everything. Not in Science and not in Humans. And because Humans do the actual Science, this interface and merger also allows for human-factors to occur. For me that means: emotions, feelings, life circumstances, social aspects, psychology, group behavior and communication.

In my case this would result in…

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I was born in Poland and with 1.5 years my parents decided to move to Germany, start their life from scratch, with my mom being pregnant with my sister. This means I have not consciously experienced the move from one country to another, neither all the challenges it brings.

My parents needed to learn the language, get an education, jobs, driving licenses, become part of a new society, while also raising two kids & establishing a new family life, without grannies and grandpas or aunties and uncles around.

I would say that my parents managed amazingly well to re-start their life, integrate into a new society, culture and establish themselves and their family. We also kept in touch with our family in Poland, still do until today, even though now a third country came into the mix: Sweden, where me & my sister currently live.

I have lived in Umeå since 11 years now & I feel at home here. This is the place I can imagine living in forever, for many different reasons, most of them are every intuitive, some are coupled to logical arguments like “feeling safe & secure”.

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Somehow, I have never asked myself if I feel integrated into Swedish society, Swedish life and my selected home-town. In a way, it feels a bit alien to me to do that, to wonder about it. And I do not mean that it is something stupid or pointless, on the contrary. I do strongly believe that we all need to have a feeling of belonging, and that is what I have here. The word “integrated” just doesn’t fit for me somehow.

So what causes this “feeling of belonging” inside of me? It is there because I feel connected to the place, the nature and the surrounding, I feel grounded, calm and safe here. It is also there because of all the people I know, my friends who became my family, my acquaintances I meet on different occasions and the random friendly people I encounter regularly. It is also there because I have different hobbies & activities I can participate in when I want. I always had a job and still have one and even if I work from home, I don’t feel disconnected at all.

I simply feel that the energy of this spot on earth is in alignment with my own energy & that makes me feel that I belong here.

Do I speak perfectly Swedish? Nope I don’t. I totally get along, but it is not perfect.

Do I have mainly Swedish friends & people around me? Nope I dont, I have many international friends, also Swedish ones, for me it doesn’t matter where people are from, as long as we connect.

Do I participate in a certain organization? Nope, not really. I volunteer regularly, but I am not a fixed staff member in any of that.

Do I work in an office, with other people? Nope I dont, I work from home, by myself.

So what does it actually mean to be or feel “integrated”? I have interacted with people who learned Swedish perfectly, who worked in a classical job with other people, who participated in organizations etc, yet, they did not feel integrated at all. Something was missing for them & they were not satisfied somehow.

For me, to feel integrated or have a sense of belonging does not solely correlate or depend on typical external factors, like language, a job, certain types of friends from certain nationalities etc… It is more of an internal process, an opening towards something new, whatever it is, whatever it might be, however it will look like, and then be satisfied with it. And if not: change or look for something else. Also with regards to external factors, but aligned to your internal values!

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My experience living in Sweden since 11 years is, that no matter how well I speak the language: I am welcome everywhere. No matter what & how I work with: I am seen as a valuable part of society. No matter how many Swedish or non-swedish friends I have, I am appreciated & loved for who I am.

I also choose to live my life in the way that it is aligned to who I am in the best possible way. I work with what I love, I surround myself with people who appreciate me & care about me, I do hobbies that make me feel well, I am kind to myself and others, see my own and their value and walk around like that in the world.

All this makes me truly believe that at the core, it is only me who can or cannot feel integrated, or have a sense of belonging. Cos if I dont feel I belong, why should someone else make me feel I belong? It is somehow in my responsibility to get to where I feel I belong, to embrace all of myself & accept myself, so others can accept me too. It somehow starts with me, only me. If I know that it is important for me to have a sense of belonging, it is also in my responsibility to create my life in that way and putt effort into it, no matter how it might end up looking in the end.

Now, does it mean that it is like that for everyone? Nope, surely not. & I can see why it could be difficult for different people, in different countries, under different circumstances and from different cultural backgrounds. And all are valid. I have also heard about the perspective that for some people it is easier to move away from their birth country & re-establish their lives again. So maybe the fact that my parents managed so well, also helps me and my sister being fine in the whole process.

To me, this feeling of belonging strongly connects to a feeling of having stable roots as well. I somehow feel that I was able to grow strong and stable roots here in Umeå and un-rooting myself is something that I cannot imagine anymore. I will always travel, experience new places & maybe could even consider to live somewhere else for some months, who knows what life will bring me. And while doing that, knowing that I have found my stable-root-place in Umeå helps me to always feel connected, grounded and safe, wherever I am.

How does this topic resonate with you?

Love,
Daria

The first one is around me and my disability. It occurred several times, I just pick one as an example. I have a physical disability called Ectrodactyly, or Split-hand & -foot malformation, meaning that I don’t have ten fingers and toes, but only 8,3 fingers and 4 toes in total. In addition to that, they are differently formed.

So my phenotype is clearly not “the norm”, and yet, most people I meet, don’t notice it. I had this colleague and friend of mine who join our lab during my PhD & we had our lab benches next to each other. We did many experiments together, meaning putting gloves on & off, pipetting small liquids into small tubes, labelling, doing all kinds of lab work…

After several months, it was me who made a silly joke I don’t remember anymore, it was around my differently looking hands & she then shared with me “You know, I was sooo surprised when I noticed it, mainly because it was two months after we worked together in the lab. I couldn’t get that I have not noticed it earlier, how blind was I?” She told me that in the end she didn’t ask what/why it is, cos she felt stupid to do it so late & that it actually didn’t really matter anyways.

To me, this has been the case for 90% of the people I meet, they just dont notice my differently looking hands. I have several theories about it, but let’s keep on going, I promised an n=3, so here comes situation No. 2:…

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I dont think I have really truly shared that part of me with many people, I dont talk about it cos its irrelevant for me, but I also know that many people watch & listen a lot, Netflix-&-chill is something society accepts as an activity. There is nothing bad with that of course, if it works for people. I just noticed that when I recently shared with someone that I don’t do N-&-C, a tiny thought came up: Uh, I hope that does not sound weird. And it didn’t, it was received beyond perfect.

When I was younger, I read a looooott of books, most of the time it was adventure books, sometimes scary books, groups of friends solving riddles & crimes. Watching TV was restricted at home, to those programs my parents deemed appropriate for our age. One of the series I loved watching was “The little house on the prairie” & movies like “Heidi” or other child-friendly programs or cartoons. I remember that one evening we were left alone for a couple of hours & we turned on the TV. The program only showed Bat Man, Darkwin Duck & some other rather dark cartoons, or let’s say they were playing in the darkness & I did not like that at all, especially being alone with my sister.

The older I got, the more crime-solving books & thrillers were added to my repertoire. I also used to watch movies or series, popular ones and from all kinds of genres, so here & there the murder or horror movie dropped in. I was always scared, it was very easy for me to get startled & scared immediately, be it from a sound, a scene or a joke coming from the company I watched it with. I watched zombie movies, GoT, the series Dexter & even ridiculous but brutal movies like Scream.

The thing is, that I did not particularly enjoy those movies, it was mainly to try out & see how I react & to watch it together with friends was less scary. When it came to books, I loved the criminal riddles that were solved & the morals of the stories where bad people got caught for their crimes.

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With time and growing up, all this changed dramatically, I got way more sensitive. Now being in my mid-thirties, you will never find me watching or reading anything brutal, with psychological terror, people killing each other, being psychopathic or any of that sort. I will block it out on purpose, even if I just hear music that indicates something terrible to happen, I will refrain from watching and listening to it.

You might wonder why… it is because it deeply disturbs me. To my core. I feel the pain, the brutality & all the emotions associated with cruel acts, physically inside my body. It is basically unbearable for me…

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I am not quite sure why, but I never watched the news or read newspapers. I think its pointless to philosophize why that was the case, it just was. At home my dad would watch the news & felt like talking about them, while my mom really did not want to discuss the things that were said in the news at all.

I was a book worm and read tons of books every week, but I did not touch any newspaper at all. They were boring to me, no colors, small letters, written complicated… just not appealing at all. Oh yeah, maybe it’s worth mentioning that I grew up without social Media, mobile phones and the Internet, born year 1987 ;-).

Maybe the fact that I had a very close relationship with my mom affected my decision, but I don’t really know, I might as well would have wanted to connect to my dad better through watching the news, I didn’t… so maybe that was just something inherent within me.

What I would hear at school then, would be something along the lines: “But then you don’t know what happens in the world!”. I did not think that this is true, cos I knew either way because if something big happened, people would speak about it and eventually it would even reach me. And also, I thought that I would anyways only know what those journalists reported on, or wrote about, I wouldn’t REALLY truly know what is happening in the world… and it usually were mostly negative & depressive news either way, where were the good news?…

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I always felt ashamed to love abstract art, feel it is beautiful, special & my most favorite artform when it comes to paintings. It is not that I think other styles are ugly, they just never resonated as well with me.

At the same time, sayings like “everyone could do that”, “this is not art” or comparing very different artforms that diminish abstract art were something rather common to hear from people. Maybe it influenced my shame? I dont know.

It also sometimes seemed that an abstract art piece is “easy” to create, it actually is not. I can tell you this from experience, it is quite tricky to come up with an abstract piece that is beautiful & resonates with myself and others.

When 1,5 years ago I suddenly felt the urge to paint, I choose to paint abstract & during this time I see already huge differences between my creations. It is not easy to combine colors, shapes, patterns, tonalities, marks, mixed media: all into one harmonious piece.

It took me a while until I would share my paintings as well… I started with my sister and 2-3 selected friends, I also told them my hesitations, shame & fear. And I shared my pieces for the sake of sharing them, without wanting any feedback or thoughts from my friends. I also only showed them the pieces I liked, so I was convinced about them already & just needed to practice exposing my paintings.

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I am so grateful to have such amazing friends, cos they supported me all the way. They never said that I created something ugly, or my ideas were pointless, ever. They said which ones they liked, wanted to have & that is it. I did never ask them for feedback, so all I got was a bonus. Especially because I already liked what I painted.

With time, they told me that they saw a drastic improvement in my skills, just by themselves, I never asked, just kept on sharing my paintings. To me, these are friendships & relationships I value. Because you dont need to like the same, do the same, but it should be possible to support a loved person in their endeavors & strengthen them in an honest way!

This is what gave me the confidence to start posting my paintings on social media. Overcoming my fear to expose my art to strangers. And this is where I got so surprised & happy: cos I did not expect so many people to enjoy my abstract art paintings, at all. Especially not with a mainly scientific audience!

It made me realize, that no matter what we do, who we are, what combinations of interests we encompass, in my case science, art & spiritual things: there will ALWAYS be people who resonate, no matter what. And with the beauty of the internet & social media, we have the perfect tool to find those souls, connect with them and feel that we are all one, never alone in our endeavours & people at their core what to connect & share.

This is it for today and I wanted to share with you the opportunity for an hour of painting together this Friday at 6:00 CET. Have a look here for more information & email me so I can send you the link to the painting hour: https://www.dariasciart.com/mind-less-ness-painting

Love,
Daria

I would feel huge discomfort, I would feel the need to immediately say a compliment back, so that a fair balance was kept, in my head. I would sometimes wonder why the person complimented me, even though I know that I am a nice & decent human being, so why not to compliment me? But why to do it at all…?

On the other hand, giving compliments was always easy for me & I would never lie about them either, they were always genuine. However, because I would not lie about compliments, this should have been one of my indicators when some of my relationships in the past were for about to break apart, as I stopped sharing compliments…

Why was there this dissonance in giving and receiving compliments? Most likely because I was living in a giving-mode, not knowing how to receive.

By now I am already way better, no discomfort, no guilt, and no weird balance there that I feel I need to keep. Compliments are beautiful and I still love to give proper ones, from my heart & soul, meaning every word I say.

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If I think about it, I feel that there are different categories of compliments. In my past I thought there are three types of compliments, starting from the most irrelevant & superficial one, ending with the most meaningful one:

1.     Compliments targeting the physical appearance.

When it comes to those type of compliments, they can target anything from our clothes, make-up, or our innate biological beauty without any additional attempts to “pretty-ourselves-up”. It could be “Oh you look nice in that dress.”, “Wow, I love your hair today!” or: “Your smile makes my day”.

These types of compliments are directed to the physical appearance of someone and are usually immediately visible with our eyes. Of course they can sound different, we all like different things and we will express ourselves differently. Those compliments are easy to make, as we can pick something we see and like and compliment the other person on it.

In my past I would usually brush these compliments off, thinking “Well yeah, I can’t do much about how I look. Thank you mom & dad.” In a way dismissing the other persons attempt to say something nice to me.

I get why I did it, cos its true: my parents are responsible for my basic phenotype = blond, green eyes etc. BUT: I can put effort to look taken-care-of or completely disregard how I look. And it is totally okay to compliment the effort I put in how I look, even to say that a physical feature of mine is liked. It is not wrong, even if it’s the “easiest” and most “superficial” type of compliment.

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Moving on to the second type of compliment:

2.     Compliments targeting accomplishments.

Those go a level deeper and concern everything we accomplish. It could be school, studies, getting a certain grade, making a certain thing when crafting, finishing a course, or pushing through a tough physical challenge… really anything that includes a certain action and a specific outcome that we do.

I always felt that these compliments are a bit more meaningful than Type 1 compliments, because we address the other persons interest, their skills, their resilience or passion for something. It is not “just” looks, but something more, that is also more specific to the person as in it could be their hobbies they love, the education they picked or the challenge they put themselves through. These compliments go a bit deeper, could sound like: “Wow, I am impressed that you did a PhD.”, “I love the painting you did.” Or: “I am blown away that you managed to overcome this fear of yours!”

Off to compliment category number three:

3.     Compliments targeting the personality.

I guess this category is quite self-explanatory, it concerns everything that a person is: lovable, kind, compassionate, funny, helpful, supportive, honest, open, adventurous, truthful, passionate, energetic etc. When we really get to know people, we get to know their personalities, who they are, how they are, also their fears, worries and tricky personality traits.

So if we compliment someone about their personality, it means we know them well, e.g.: “I really appreciate your honesty.”, “I love your humor” or: “I am so happy that you support me in this.”

These compliments show a bond between people, they also connect us more to each other and make us feel loved and appreciated. I always liked these types of compliments the most, because they would also represent the dynamic I have with another person. To have someone really knowing and appreciating me is one of the highest compliments there is.

I mentioned to you before, that I now believe that there is a forth category of compliments, it is the tip of the ice berg and THE best type of compliment a person can get, or that we can give to another human being… here we go:

4.     Compliments about how we make others feel.

These compliments are the ultimate compliments for me! Why? Because they show how we can affect other human beings deeply.

There is this saying: we won’t remember words, neither actions, but we will remember how people make us feel, the pleasant and the unpleasant feelings ;-)

So, if someone else compliments us on how we make them feel, no matter if we consciously try it (no manipulation involved!) or it just happens by being ourselves, it is a great honor. Examples of these are: “You make me feel safe!” or “I feel like I can be totally myself in your presence!”. What this means is, that the other person can let their guard down, they can be open, vulnerable & honest cos we manage to create a space where they feel comfortable. This also acknowledges us a s a person, it acknowledges our energy & the feelings we bring to the table in the relationship.

If by being ourselves, fully & wholeheartedly and we make people feel safe, that is one of the biggest compliments we can get or give to another person. It shows how important the other human being is, how relevant and valuable our relationship is and it just makes the world a better place! At least this is how I feel :-)

What are your thoughts on this compliment ranking? Did I forget something? Is there maybe even a fifth way of complimenting a person? If so, please feel free to share it with me!

Love,
Daria

A while ago, I had this recurring conversation with a friend; it was about AI tools and technologies in general. We shared our takes on it & he said at some point, that I sound like a “Luddite”. I had no idea what it is, so he explained to me that it is someone that despises of technology, doesn’t want to use it & be in touch with it, generally pushes it away.

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I disagreed to that and said that I do not believe that I am a Luddite, cos I use technology. I have a smartphone, a computer, a laptop, an iPad, I use certain software to make my scientific illustrations, I have digital ID Apps, online banking, I even got swish (an immediate money transfer app in Sweden) even though a bit late, I still installed it at some point…

…yeah, I don’t use the most recent AI tools, I don’t have Spotify, neither do I have a Netflix account, I don’t use any earplugs, I have no smart TV-stuffs cos I don’t watch TV, neither do I have an Alexa, I prefer to go to actual stores over online stores, I don’t constantly hang on social media and I don’t play video games… All this doesn’t make me a Luddite though.

But because I am very curious & like to learn, I started to google the definition of a Luddite. HA! I use the internet to get to knowledge, not just books ;-). And this is what I found:

According to several definitions on the Internet, Luddites were a group of Englishmen in the 19th century, working in the textile industry as e.g. weavers or spinners. When suddenly the industrial revolution came around with spinning machines, they got upset, protested & started to destroy those new emerging machines as their felt threatened in their livelihood.

(So no, I am not a Luddite, cos I don’t go around, smashing computers, factories or any other technologies :-D)

Not all Luddites were aggressive, some people started to get together & tried to collaborate with the new emerging technologies, incorporating and combining certain aspects of their work.

(Yeah, that sounds more like me, so maybe I am a pacifistic Luddite?)

I also found an article that states: “Questioning doesn’t mean rejecting: Contrary to popular belief, the original Luddites were not anti-technology, nor were they technologically incompetent. Rather…” Feel free to read the full article here: https://theconversation.com/whats-a-luddite-an-expert-on-technology-and-society-explains-203653

I very much resonate with it, so based on its original meaning, I seem indeed to be a Luddite :-D

Now that I have clarified the meaning of this word, gone back & forth weather I am a Luddite or not, I thought to share some more personal thoughts on technology, digital tools, screens etc…

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More extremely put, I really thought: “Science sucks out the heart & soul of everything”…

Why would I say that? There are many reasons and if I go back in time, I can fully admit that I have not always thought that way.

I always loved science and art & decided to study biology after high school. I really loved nature, my surrounding, understanding it all and interacting with it. Before I committed to those studies, I did an internship in a human genetics’ lab.

This is where I fell in love with lab work, I really loved to do science and experiments, it was basically like a riddle to me that I would try to solve. And guess what? I always loved riddles, I love them until today!

I also realized that one needs to do a lot of reading and writing as a scientist. And once again, guess what: I loved to read, have always been a book worm and I loved to write too! So to me it seemed like becoming a scientist & studying biology was the perfect fit for me.

During my studies I dreaded the exams, I am just not a good exam-person, while I would nail the labs and practical works. I also realized that I was drawn to plants more than anything, so I started to focus on plant-science related topics.

I really enjoyed my bachelor and master theses! Why? Because I was out of this studying-for-exams world and in the real science-world, working in the lab, reading papers, finding solutions to questions and I even enjoyed writing both my Bachelor and Master thesis. A lot actually.

And then, because I enjoyed it all so much, I thought to extend my youth a bit & continue with a PhD! I thought it is still not the “real-world” and I would be able to play around a bit longer & enjoy the science-world more.

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In the beginning it was like that. I was excited, motivated and filled with joy about it all.

However, with time this changed… I got to know the academic system more, I learned how science works, what it means to work at a university and be a researcher, I realized there is not much freedom, at least not the type I would consider important for me…

…and I started to feel it is exhausting and dreading to read papers, and to write them too. I really disliked the way how as a scientist one needs to write… Ach, let’s just be honest: I hated it! It took away my joy for reading and writing, totally killed my spirit in that realm.

There seemed to be no place for heart and soul in scientific writing, it all was over-complicated, dry and boring. And the worst was, when the authors of articles didn’t even bother to illustrate their findings properly. Make it easy for another scientist to understand their work without getting a headache reading it was rarely a priority.

These are the reasons why I recently said “Science sucks out the heart and soul of everything…”, cos it also sucked out those parts from me, at least partially… cos I am a rebel in my heart ;).

I knew how to stick to the rules of scientific writing and did it when needed, but I also went super creative and expressive when it came to my posters, my presentations, my slides and how I illustrated my science! Cos there I saw the possibility to instill some of my own heart and soul into science again! After all it was me presenting and I believed that I can be scientific AND soulful AND myself! Cos just because the science world makes science dry, doesn’t mean that I can’t instill my passion for my own personal scientific work!

I also always shared my thoughts, feelings, struggles and emotions, as much as I could at least, cos only afterwards I realized I got a bit crippled by the system either way.

And it took me a long time until I found back my love for writing again. In fact, it was a LinkedIN coaching that I did that helped me to find my own way to share science on a Social Media. Since I decided to share science in my own writing and share my scientific illustration on LinekdIN this part of me flowered again! I believe I just went into hibernation mode during my PhD for a while, to finally discover my way of communicating about science afterwards.

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To get back to the start of my post: the scientific article I read about “alternative healing modalities” did basically everything to remove the heart, soul, personality and aura of the practitioner and the person who is supposed to be healed. When it comes to eastern medical practices, one central point is the soul of a person, their energy level, aura and everything non-material they emit, even their past, their present, potential future, a human being is seen as this holistic creature… and the scientific method, how to conduct studies and experiments just radically strips this away. To me, this is a disaster cos it takes away the essence of those practices.

However, I do see why it could be beneficial to convince “hardcore scientists” of the efficiency of these healing modalities. There are always two sides to the story I guess.

At least for me, I know that my scientific and academic journey let me to this point here today, where I found back my love to read and write and even expanded on it all and started to share myself and my thoughts & feelings here on Substack too. I never could have imagined that in my past. Even though I always loved to share reports on my adventures with friends, I never considered doing that officially on the internet as well.

This is why I am truly so grateful for each and one of you reading my posts here! I appreciate you all soooo much, it means a lot to me and gives me a lot of motivation and drive to continue!

Thank you so very much!!

Love,
Daria

First, I would like to share that I think that having a flexible mind is crucial for our life, our existence as human beings. Why? “Because change is the only constant in life”, apparently said by the greek philosopher Heraclitus.

Change occurs all the time: each minute we live, we get olde; each day that passes, we experience something that shapes our life; each moment we could potentially die; each moment a loved relationship could break; each moment we could meet the love of our life; each moment we might get a brilliant business idea and so on, and so forth… there is endless potential, for challenging situations and for pure bliss.

Living life in the believe that all will stay the same, means missing out on life itself.

Each of these potential changes that could happen means, that we just need to be aware of them, aware enough to be able to adapt to the changing circumstances without fearing them and continue thriving in life.

It also means, to be flexible in our mind, because let’s say we believe X, but there is clear evidence that Y is true. The knowing about Y would make your life easier in the long run, but you stick to believe in X, cos of temporary discomfort: you might harm yourself. So always evaluate the evidence that exist against the opinions and views you have and see if they are in need of an upgrade or adaptation. This is a crucial strategy to survive.

Now, how does that fit together with needing to be inconvincible at the same time? Didn’t I just say that its crucial for survival to allow constant change?

Yes I said that, and it is true. And still: I can also be inconvincible at the same time.

How? Because there are hundreds of thousands of opinions, circumstances, values, situations, people, relationships etc. in our life…

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I went to learn ballroom dances, Vienna Waltz was my favorite dance. I got lucky cos I had a dancing partner who was much more advanced than me, so I learned a lot and rather quickly.

The other aspect I loved about dancing with him was that he mixed up steps from all the different dances we learned, so there was a lot of spontaneity which I really enjoyed. I truly got spoiled.

So much so, that I did not want to go to dance classes when I moved to Sweden, cos I felt I will never find a dance partner like him. Eventually that changed and I started dancing salsa, bachata, kizomba, even tried Lindy Hop, ballett and my most favorite dance of all of them was West Coast Swing. Nothing can beat this dance! The openness & spontaneity sometimes reminds me of my first dancing partner.

Here in Sweden, going to dance classes is a bit different than in Germany. Generally speaking, you sign up with a partner but throughout the course everyone rotates and it’s possible to dance with many different partners. Like that it's also possible to learn and get better rather quickly. And you get to know people and can dance with them on the social dance evenings as well.

When it comes to the terminology in dancing, the follower is oftentimes the woman and the leader is the man. It can vary depending on the preference. As a leader you are supposed to lead the follower and steer the majority of the dance, but there are also options for the follower to improvise or take over for a while, this usually needs a bit more advanced knowledge.

At one of the last social dance trainings I went to, I talked with one of my dancing friends & said that I did not sign up for a course, cos I didn’t have a leader to sign up with. Usually, the guys are taken rather quickly by the girls and I just don’t bother enough to ask early on :-). Our conversation went like that:

My friend said: “Well, maybe you should sign up as a leader then, so you get into the course!”

I replied: “Nope, I don’t want to sign up as a leader, I want the leader to do their part as a leader and I wish to be a follower during the dance.”

To which he replied: “Oh I see, so you are a conservative then, I thought so, most biologists are.” I laughed, surprised: “Well, I don’t know, I just don’t want to lead.”

He argued that it would make me a better follower, to which I said: “Yeah maybe, that could be a reason to do it, but I don’t want to use it as a reason to get into a course.”

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This conversation stayed with me for a while. I know of great leaders who are women and I truly enjoy dancing with them, and I love to watch when two guys are dancing and switching the roles of leader and follower. I just love to watch people dance!

However, there is a bit more substance to my answer than the conversation with my friend revealed:

I know how to lead. I lead my life, I lead my company, I have lead myself through my PhD, I lead myself by moving alone to a new country, I am leading my household, I am the leader of me and my dog, I can organize trips, I can plan, I can execute, I can take responsibility… I know how to lead, in many different scenarios and in many different ways.

I grew up seeing how my mom was leading everything: our family, her kids, her husband, the finances, the vacations, whenever we got sick, our surgeries… my mom has been the head of our family since forever. So it comes naturally for me to lead, as I grew up constantly seeing her doing that.

This also had as a consequence, that I often was leading in my relationships. Not all the time, but somehow I managed to find myself with partners and in positions where I was the strong one, the leading one, deciding, pulling the strings… I also had many friendships where I was the leading person. Its not that I was forced to do it, that I was tyrannical about it either, I think part of me has great leadership qualities, that is also most likely why I succeeded in many things and many people are drawn to leaders.

Being capable of leading is great, but it is also: exhausting, tiring, annoying, draining and energy-stealing.

I realized that leading & deciding constantly was too much for me and I also realized that I have troubles receiving. I couldn’t receive compliments, they would make me feel awkward. I couldn’t accept so easily when someone wanted to help me, I would feel very bad about it. I could also not easily ask for help, I felt that I was a burden.

At the same time, when I was sick and my mom took care of me, I felt relieve. I felt that I am able to let go of control, of leading, and I could allow myself to be weak.

All this made me decide that I want to face this challenge, try to learn how to receive, learn how to follow and have someone else leading. It is basically about trust. Do I trust the other person to do it well? To decide for me? To make us both thrive in the situation we are in?

For me dancing always was this perfect situation where I did not have to lead and decide, where I could just freely flow, follow and be. At the same time, it was also training me to trust boys or men, which was, and is, something very valuable for me too.

Dancing still is a great practice of this for me, until now. I got waayyy better in all the aspects I mentioned before and I know I can get even better when I keep on doing this. I also believe I can become a better follower by practicing being a follower and NOT signing up as a leader. It will just confuse my system and I don’t feel like I want to revert any progress I have made till now on this topic.

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Also, following is not about being passive and following blindly, not at all. It is about trusting and following consciously. Giving signals of connection & trust, so that the leader dares to lead me as well and make it a pleasant dance for both of us. If I don’t allow him to lead me during a dance, he can’t do much. It requires consent from both sides, and it is perceivable if this consent is given, simply by two bodies moving, dancing with each other and having fun.

Even as a follower, there is a giving, and as a leader there is a taking and I find this to be one of the most beautiful things when it comes to dancing.

I will keep on practicing being a follower, receive and trust and let leaders lead me when we dance.

Does this mean I am conservative? I don’t know, I also dont care. I know the reasons why I do it in this way and any general label is irrelevant to what it actually means to me on my personal journey :-).

Love,
Daria

Mainly, because this question can be whatever you want it to be, just a thoughtless phrase, or a super deep conversation starter. You pick yourself!

Imagine this situation:

(A) You plan to go into the grocery store, ready with your list at hand to walk through the aisles & just get what you need for dinner. You enter the store & get greeted “Hi! How are you?”, you answer: “Hi, thanks, I’m fine and you?” “Thanks, I’m fine too!” is the reply and you continue with your shopping venture.

(B) Imagine the same situation, but you enter the store, and no one notices you, the workers even have a grumpy face, are distracted, don’t seem to care or even see you… or worse, they sneakily follow you to make sure you don’t steal anything.

How do you feel in situation A? How do you feel in situation B? Be honest.

I have been in both of these situations. I was born in Poland & grew up in Germany and situation B was basically the common setting there. Unwelcoming, grumpy faces, people don’t like to make you feel welcome as a customer and it feels just off to be in the stores.

While when I lived in the US, the basic greetings of “How are you?” “Fine, how are you?” immediately gave me a better feeling, more welcoming & wanted in the store. I also always feel welcome in stores in Sweden, where I live now. So I would always prefer situation A, anywhere I am.

Here is the thing:

I was aware that the people might not have wanted to start a deep conversation, and I also didn’t want to have a deep conversation with them, maybe I should have tried it ;-)? For me it was enough to be met with a couple of friendly words, an acknowledgement of existence and that’s it.

Is that superficial? I don’t think so. A positive situation was created, I felt good about it & made them feel good by replying and smiling. Perfectly fine with me.

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I have heard many German’s complaining about the superficialness of people in stores in the US & I felt it was ridiculous given the fact that customer-welcoming is not something that is of high priority in many stores in Germany.

But! What I noticed, when I walk around with an open gaze, a positive attitude, a smile on my face and saying “Hi!” myself, then this makes a difference. With these simple tricks, a superficial, quick store encounter can be made pleasant for everyone. In every country!

Now imagine this other situation:

You notice that your friend, or any other loved one, seems to be off, maybe sad, stressed or just out of balance. Asking him or her “How are you?” can be the perfect easy start into a deeper conversation with that person, if they want to talk about it. Because depending on the way they answer, it can give you hints to continue and ask deeper, or not.

The same counts the other way around: if you are sad or off-balance and a trusted person who you have a great relationship with asks you “How are you?”, you most likely can be very honest & share your struggles and worries and reply more than “I’m fine.”

Again: its totally up to us, how we want to be met and how we want to meet others in this journey of life and this simple question is just an easy starter.

What I sometimes do to make sure I really mean it when I ask the question, I add to it something more specific, like “How are you feeling?” or “How is your life going?” or I pick up on something we talked before, just to make sure & signal that I truly care & am open for a more deep conversation, not just small-talk.

But even that type of small-talk can be fine in certain situations. Either because I dont feel like speaking about deep-things, or I feel I dont want to speak with that person about it, OR I feel that the person is not open for it, then I can stick to more general topics and still make it a pleasant interaction.

In the end: its all on us, how we approach each situation and person in our life and judging a sentence or question for its superficialness without the context is just pointless I feel.

What do you think about that?

Love,
Daria

It made me think about the most recent death that occurred in my family. My grandpa died about 5.5 years ago, just a couple of days before my PhD defense, making it impossible to travel to his funeral.

I visited him four-five months prior to his passing, I travelled to Poland to help my dad with my grandpa. His sister, my aunt, was taking the biggest share of taking care of my grandpa & my father went there to take away some of her burden, as he is living in Germany.

It was truly the first time I consciously was facing the process of dying. At that time my grandpa was already lying in bed only, barely eating & drinking, with some conscious moments here & there.

At times he would voice his wish to die & be with his wife again. Sometimes he would refuse to eat or drink, and other times he would seem to be better. He was 94 years old.

I remember one situation, that was tearing me apart, because I felt it was not right at all…

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It happened in different occasions, came from different people, with the general tone of ‘too-good-to-be-true’ or ‘grow-up & face reality’. It never meant to harm me though, I was aware of that. And: I continued believing what I did anyways, because it was many times I heard these ;-).

So what was it that I believed? What outrageously, ridiculous thing was I upset about & couldn’t agree with? Or didn’t accept or wanted to happen? And: do I still do it now, in my mid thirties?

Yes I do :-)!!!

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I still believe that we all should respect each other, that we should not treat each other badly & hurt another person.

I still believe that honesty and truth are admirable qualities.

I still believe that we also should honor other living beings.

I believe that just because we feel bad, we should not harm others as a pay back.

I condemn physical, psychological, mental and spiritual violence against anyone.

I believe that respecting, appreciating, honoring another person will make that person thrive. And: it will make the world a better place!

Does all that mean I am naïve? No, I dont think so.

Because, even if I believe all those things and try to live by them as good as I can, I know that they are not always a given for everyone. And I am a human being, so I do mistakes in these realms as well.

I know about the existence of disrespect, abuse, hurt, pain and suffering. I have also experienced some of those in my life.

But so what? Does this mean I should stop believing in my values and live by the opposites? That I should throw all my ethical and moral views overboard, just because it’s not the case in 100% of the time, for ALL the people in the world?

I don’t think so. I don’t want that either. I don’t want to live my life believing that its impossible to achieve those very basic aspects of life.

I will keep on living them as much as I can, I will keep on spreading the energy that these believes give me, because I also truly believe that it makes a positive difference to my surrounding.

We shine and radiate what we deep down in our souls believe and other humans can perceive it, they feel and experience it with their bodies and sensitive antenna they have.

We often underestimate how much of an effect we have on our surrounding. Our bodies don’t end with our skin, its not the last barrier we have. There are many other bodies that we possess, for example our emotional and mental body. Whatever is going on with our emotions or our mental state, we shine it to the outside, if we want it or not, it doesn’t matter. It is there, all the time.

We also have more “abstract” bodies like our astral or celestial body, or simply our soul. These are maybe fancy words, or weird words, I don’t even know if they are correct, but what they are is: other energetic bodies that surround us, that connect us to other people.

I assume each one of us experienced meeting a stranger and feeling a certain immediate connection, a chemistry that was there and you both got along super well. Even without knowing each other you “knew” that there is something there, difficult to describe, but clear to perceive.

Coming back to my naïve or too idealistic or optimistic believes: if I stop believing in their existence, I will change. My energetic bodies will change, I will spread the opposites of what I believe in and I will therefore attract it, and I simply don’t want that.

I will still face challenges in life, its not about being perfectly well all the time and not have troubles to go through. However, with a core that is positive and optimistic, I will manage my challenges better and dwell on them less & move through them in a more smooth way.

I have lived my life now for over 30 years and I have met many different people. Because I have been told by many of those people, I know they feel and perceive all that I just described to you from me.

I don’t have to state it, I don’t have to write down my believes, how I think and feel, I live my life accordingly & walk through the world like that, and people pick up on it and connect to me because of that.

I have had phases in my life where certain people entered & because of many different reasons, I was not at my energetic optimum at that time, and it harmed me. I harmed myself in a way, because I was not aware on how I or my invisible energetic bodies work, maybe they were weak at that point and I learned my lesson, who knows.

So, I will keep on being as naïve, optimistic, positive and idealistic as I can, with an open mind for all the opposites that exist, with a willingness to learn from them as well. But this core inside of me, I will keep it shining bright and strong, as long as I can.

Love,

Daria

When thinking about the word “disability”, if I disseminate the word itself, it is “dis” and “abled”. From latin “dis” means a ‘lack of’ or ‘absence’, resulting in a “lack of ability” of something.

When I feel into this and look back at my life, I never felt that I was lacking something, other than a couple of fingers and toes. I was always able to do everything that others were doing, some things I was even better at compared to many others, especially when it came to painting and drawing.

The only thing I was not able to do is to play the flute, a piano, a violin, or for that matter, many other instruments. In that sense, I was/am dis-abled. I guess if I really wanted to & would have put effort into it, I might have made it somehow anyways, not sure though if I would be able to play pieces of Mozart or Chopin, but many 10-fingered people can’t do that either, it doesn’t feel like a big loss for me.

The main point being: I am fully, perfectly able to live a thriving life.

I do not take offense in the word “disability” because at its core it shows one aspect of me that is true: I can’t play certain instruments because I don’t have ten fingers.

I also feel that people who mistreat others, display socially unacceptable traits and behave like pigs, without having an official diagnosis of a mental disability, are more disabled than me with my 8.3 fingers. Mainly because life is more difficult for them to manage, as people won’t accept un-social behavior and mistreatment.

Should the word “disability” be changed to differently-abled or handicapped or should we say “person with disability” instead of “disabled person”? I honestly don’t know what is the best thing to do. For me personally, I don’t mind any of those descriptions, I don’t take any of them personally, nor will I ever feel offended by them.

The thing is, I am aware that words are powerful, but at the same time, to nitpick about them will often confuse people even more and…

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One of the situations was when we went ice skating on a frozen lake, ca. 10km long and it was quite windy & cold at the end. It became a bit tedious and unpleasant, so he asked: “Are you never unreasonable?”

Every time he asked, I was very surprised and said something along the lines: “Well, yeah I think I am quite reasonable most of the time, I sometimes get frustrated or a bit angry, but that passes quickly.”

In the ice skating scenario, I explained that I didn’t see the point to get upset, annoyed, throw a tantrum or be unpleasant & therefore ruin the adventure, because it was pointless. So what, that the weather was a bit harsh? We were for about to finish & get pizza… & after all we picked this activity & decided to go for it.

For me it makes sense that I deal with the consequences of my decisions, no matter how unpleasant they are. Generally speaking, I apply that to my whole life. I also don’t see the point to drag anyone else into potential negative feelings of mine & destroy their mood & the atmosphere. To me this is something so normal and embedded inside of me, that I get truly surprised when someone wonders about it.

I am also aware that it might say more about the other person that asks such a question, cos their experiences with people might be exactly in that range of unreasonableness, so much so that they are surprised if someone reacts the way I do in unpleasant scenarios.

Also, he was not the only person who asked me this question.

And of course, I started to think about this interaction and wondered how people are, why they are a certain way and why I am not, and so different with this approach. I have to be honest: I have no clue, it must be a combination of my personality, my upbringing, my social circles, the relationships I have in my life and whatever else.

While thinking, I of course also went into the other direction, what does it mean if I would actually always stay reasonable? Never have a tantrum? Never get super angry or totally freak out?

And I realized, that this is the case most of the time, I rarely explode, feel huge anger and rage, devastation, sadness and grief… this actually feels wrong and I know it is not ideal, because it means that I, at times, just rather suppress my feelings and strong “negative” emotions.

What happens with them?

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And honestly, I have no clue. The last weeks have indeed been filled with a lot of activities, thoughts, contemplations, actions and occurrences. One after the other. It’s like as if I have no fears or worries whatsoever.

However, this is not true at all. I still have fears and worries, doubts and wonderings:

• What if I am not good enough?

• What if I don’t succeed?

• What if no one likes my art?

• What if I won’t make any money with it?

• What if they don’t agree to sell it?

• What if I am not accepted for the exhibition?

• What if I won’t manage to set up my webshop?

• What if… what if… what if…

The difference is, that just a year ago these fears and worries were:

THAT BIG.

Now they are just:

THAT BIG.

What overloads them is my jumping heart, my happy soul, the joy I feel when painting and the excitement of new endeavors, leading with my heart, soul and intuition.

Of course I have no clue if I will succeed, how it will turn out, how I will feel, but it’s all irrelevant, because right now I feel good about it, excited, joyful, happy and glad. That’s all that counts, my present moment.

At the same time, I do not suppress my fears, I let them come up & am aware of them. I acknowledge them and ask them the following questions:

What if I am not good enough? —> what if I am just the right amount of good enough?

What if I don’t succeed? —> what if I have already succeeded & will succeed more?

What if no one likes my art? —> what if some people love my art?

What if I won’t make money with it? —> what if I will make money AND spread joy?

What if they don’t agree to sell it? —> what if they do? Or someone else does?

What if I am not accepted for the exhibition? —> what if they would love to have me?

What if I won’t manage to set up my webshop? —> what if I just need the basics?

Simply asking my fears the opposite questions, creates more optimism and ease within myself. There are always at least two sides to a story, most often even more, but in this case, its enough to just go with the one complete opposite.

I guess that could be applied for any situation, fear or worry. And the resulting feeling from this approach does its magic by creating positive emotions and feelings, and that is what I want more of.

So, a bit more concrete, what I have finally decided and started to pursue, is to show, expose and sell my abstract art paintings!

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My feelings towards pursuing science in the classical way changed, I didn’t get as excited anymore to do lab work, not even to analyze my results, I also disliked to write scientifically and reading papers was dreadful. I felt a strong mis-alignment of me and what I did, it also scared me and made me a bit sad, but I did not get stressed about it.

However, my PhD and science brought back my love for art and I started to combine science and art by doing scientific illustrations in my PhD. I loved it, people noticed it, asked for help and then I decided to just start my own company & become a scientific illustrator.

I have been doing that since almost five years now. The incorporation of art into my science world made a big difference cos I had something to look forward to and prepare for after my PhD.

These internal, emotional changes are something that are currently happening within me again. Even though I love to do scientific illustrations and I get excited by what my clients do and the fact that I can visualize it for them, I feel that there is something else that sits inside of me that wants to come out.

Starting my own company involved several challenges that I needed to face: my shyness and shame to show myself, my dislike of social media and money, my fear of taxes, bills and money all together, my small moments of doubt if I will be able to deliver a great final illustration… all these I successfully managed to overcome & I am very, very proud of myself for that.

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